


One Year Anniversary

by clandestineyejin



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Complete, Cousins, Dead brother, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Female Protagonist, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Male-Female Friendship, POV Female Character, Panic Attacks, Trauma, y/n
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-18 12:06:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 24,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29368227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clandestineyejin/pseuds/clandestineyejin
Summary: Y/N was always known as friendly and always had a smile on her face that lit up the whole room. But behind the smile, no one except her cousin Iwaizumi knew the truth: that Y/N's brother had killed himself. And the one year anniversary of his death was coming up. With the date slowly approaching, the nightmares and panic attacks started resurfacing too. No one knew what that day was going to be like.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Reader, Bokuto Koutarou & Reader, Iwaizumi Hajime & Reader, Sugawara Koushi/Reader
Kudos: 14





	1. Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! This is my first fanfic so feel free to comment anything that you liked, disliked, etc! Constructive criticism is always welcome and appreciated :) Hope you enjoy!

“LEEEEFT!” Y/N yelled from behind the attack line, forcing her setter to toss her a nice high set to the outside. 

“Y/N!” her teammate called. After the ball had left the setter’s hands, Y/N locked her eyes on the target and started her wide approach. As she swung her arms forward and up, the balls of her feet drove into the ground and  _ up _ . The ball had just started to fall from its apex, right on target as Y/N whispered to herself.

_ Perfect. _ Y/N slammed the ball down on the other court right behind the attack line on the other side. Cheers erupted from her teammates behind her. The Karasuno Girls Volleyball Team’s libero on the other side of the net recovered from the missed dive and brushed herself off, laughing.

“One day, Y/N, one day,” her friend and teammate said to her with a smile. “I’m getting closer to finally digging one of your hits, I swear,” she continued.

“I know you are,” Y/N replied back, patting her libero on the back with a genuine smile. She ran to get her ball that had rolled out of the gym to quickly get back in line to hit more tosses. Before she could pick up the ball, she collided with a buff figure who was turning to walk into the gym she had just run out of. 

“Oof,” the two figures quietly yelped in unison as they each fell back.

“Oh I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you there,” Y/N quickly apologized, brushing the dirt off her back while standing up. 

“No that’s my fault,” the dark, short haired boy lightly said as he went to go pick up the ball. “I should’ve been more careful. My bad.” After a few seconds of watching him get the ball, Y/N recognized him as the Karasuno Boys team captain. 

“Hey, you’re Daichi Sawamura, right? Michimiya’s friend?” Y/N asked to confirm. Daichi nodded, wondering how she had known that since he hadn’t introduced himself yet. Being fully aware of this, Y/N took no time to hesitate as she explained herself.

“I’ve seen you around with Michimiya and-” Y/N started. She briefly paused, wondering if she should help her friend out since Y/N knew her captain and best friend had probably the biggest crush on this guy she’d ever seen. “And she talks about you a lot. I just figured it was you. I’m F/N L/N but you can just call me Y/N.” she finished.

“Oh okay, nice to meet you, Y/N,” Daichi said, trying not to think too hard into the comment about Michimiya. He hoped Y/N couldn’t see the faint blush on his lightly tanned skin. Of course she did, but she didn’t want to embarrass him further. Smiling to herself, she took the ball from his outstretched hand and started to head back into the gym. He looked to the (H/C) haired girl and quickly took her in. She was one of those natural beauties and had a bright energy around her. He realized he would totally fall for her if he wasn’t already set on Michimiya.

“Nice to finally meet you too. I’m guessing you came here to see her anyway,” Y/N said knowingly. With a teasing smile, she motioned for Daichi to wait a second and turned and poked her head into the gym. “Michimiyaaa, someone’s here to see you,” Y/N called, wiggling her eyebrows at the now flustered captain. Turning back to face Daichi, she assured him that their friend would be out soon. “Well, I’ll see you later Daichi!” Y/N quickly said, before returning back to the team waiting for her inside. 

_ She’s really friendly, that Y/N. I feel like she would fit in well with our team,  _ Daichi thought to himself. He shook his head trying to shake the heat off his face before Michimiya came out, remembering the real reason he had come to the girls’ gym. 

“Hi Daichi!” Michimiya exclaimed, trying not to show too much of her excitement. “What are you doing here?” 

“Hey,” Daichi said with a smile. Trying not to take up anymore of their practice time, he quickly cut to the point. “We need a manager. Do you have anyone that could do it?”


	2. The Proposal

“I don’t know, Michimiya,” Y/N said nervously to her friend at lunch. “I’m already a part of a club. Is it even allowed for me to join another one?” 

“Apparently as a manager it is,” Michimiya responded. “Their current manager right now is looking for two new girls who are willing to do it now that the third years have to think about passing the club roles on. And they already found a first year but she doesn’t know anything about volleyball,” she continued.

“So Daichi asked you to ask me to do it because I already play volleyball?” Y/N looked at her friend. Michimiya nodded. At this point Y/N knew she was asking her because she 1. knew that Y/N was good at making friends and 2. so she could use it as an excuse to talk to Daichi more. Y/N let out an exasperated sigh and said to her friend, “Fine. I’ll think about it.”

“YAY Y/N THANK YOU!” Michimiya yelled, pulling her friend in for a close hug. 

“I didn’t even say that I’d do it yet. Only think about it! I’ll tell you my final answer tomorrow” Y/N said with a laugh. Both Y/N and Michimiya knew that she’d end up doing it. But only Y/N knew why she was so hesitant, so she tried to laugh off the nervous pit forming in her stomach.

~ Time skip to practice ~

“Hey, are you alright? Y/N?” 

Y/N’s breathing started to become more uneven and shaky the longer she stood in the gym. The sound of squeaking shoes, balls hitting the floor, her teammates’ cheers - everything was suddenly too loud for her, overriding her senses, causing her to start backing up. Her chest started to contract, forcing Y/N to grab at her shirt.

_ Crap, crap, crap, not now. Not again, _ Y/N pleaded to herself.

“S-sorry, I-I’ll be right back,” Y/N quickly said to Michimiya. She ran out of the overwhelming gym to the back, embracing the brisk autumn night breeze.  _ Shit, _ Y/N thought to herself while trying to even out her shallow breathing. Her classes were tough today (specifically math), practice was running late, and the thought of being the Boys team’s manager just added to her long list of things tiring her out. A few minutes passed as Y/N stayed hunched over behind the building and she decided to go on a walk to have some time to think. She wasn’t used to these sudden episodes again and forgot what to do. However, Y/N did know what was coming up in a few weeks without even having to check her calendar. The nightmares were slowly starting to come back. And now these panic attacks too.

As she walked past the vending machine, she paused to think about getting something before realizing she had run out of the gym too quickly to grab money for anything.  _ Just my luck, _ Y/N thought as she inwardly laughed at herself.  _ At least I got my breathing back under control _ . After staring at the machine for a while wondering if it was worth going and coming back to get her wallet, she started to walk off with a big sigh, trying to mentally regain her composure before heading back into the gym. 

“Hey, did you want something? I could cover for you,” a voice behind her said. As she turned, startled by the sudden surprise, she saw a silver-haired boy with a cute birthmark mole under his eye standing in front of the machine with his wallet out.  _ Woah, _ Sugawara thought to himself as the pretty girl turned to face him. He cleared his throat, trying to stop the light blush from further creeping up his face and ears.

_ Oh God this is so embarrassing,  _ Y/N mentally screamed to herself. “Oh no, don’t worry about it I’m okay, thanks though!” Y/N said with a practiced smile. No matter how tired she was, she wouldn’t let the handsome boy see it. Not just because he was good looking though, but rather because her pride didn’t want to let anyone see her vulnerable side. Y/N absolutely despised pity more than anything else. So before further embarrassing herself, she waved goodbye to the boy and ran back to her team. As she hurried back to gym one, Sugawara brought himself back to reality and realized he never got the (H/C) haired girl’s name. He saw that she was too far and hoped to see her again later to know more about her. He was hooked.

“You’re back, Y/N! Is everything okay?” Michimiya worriedly asked again. 

“Yeah so sorry about that, it was nothing,” Y/N lied with an uneasy smile. “I’m okay now though. Let’s get back to it!” The team was waiting for her to get back and she didn’t want to worry them so she pushed through, trying to act as normal as possible.


	3. Family

“For the last time, I swear it wasn’t that bad!” Y/N said into her phone as she waved goodbye to her teammates. “See you guys tomorrow,” she whisper-yelled to her friends, putting her cousin over the phone on hold. They waved back and each went their own separate ways. She felt better after what had happened earlier, and she went back to her normal self.

“Are you sure? You promise? I just don’t want you to-” Iwaizumi said, before getting cut off. 

“Yes, you overbearing mother. I was able to take a breather outside and calm down,” Y/N said after explaining the panic attack to her cousin who was really more like her brother at this point. After what had happened almost a year ago, he routinely called to check in on her, more so now because the first anniversary of it was coming up in a few weeks. 

“Ugh, you sound just like Trashykawa when you say crap like that,” Iwa spat into his phone. Y/N could still hear the aforementioned -now offended- playboy setter through the other line.

“HEY IWA-CHAN DON’T BE MEAN!” Before he could spit another insult at his captain and best friend, Y/N cut him off, telling him to play nice. 

“Whatever,” was the only thing Iwaizumi was able to grumble out before turning his attention back to Y/N. “Seriously though, make sure to get as much rest as you can. You can always call me if you wake up in the middle of the night.” Y/N already knew this because of how often he reminded her but she also knew that she wouldn’t. She didn’t. Everytime it happened, she never called anyone because she didn’t want to burden other people with her issues and stubbornly kept it to herself even though it was eating away at her. Y/N didn’t like speaking of the subject much because she knew it came with pity stares and half-assed apologies from people that had no control over it so she tried to brush it under the rug everytime she sensed the topic was coming up. With Iwa, though, he knew her tendencies and wanted her to open up to him more. He cared for Y/N so much because he knew how much her brother cared for her too.

“Hey,” Y/N hesitantly said with a pause. “What do you think about me becoming the Boys team manager?”

“At Karasuno? Manager?” Iwaizumi asked, not even trying to cover the surprise in his voice. “Why?”

“I don’t even know,” Y/N responded with a tired sigh. “It’s a long story but they asked me and I have to tell them my answer by tomorrow. Y/N could tell Iwaizumi was just as cautious as she was but part of her regretted asking him because he knew what he would say.

“Do it Y/N,” her cousin said. There it was. Part of her wanted him to say no so she could have an actual excuse but Y/N knew he wanted her to get back into it, even though they both knew that it reminded her too much of her brother. “Just- just be careful. Okay? I’ll try to get more practice matches with Karasuno to see you.”

“Okay, okay. I’m heading home now though so I’m gonna go. Love you,” Y/N said into her phone. 

“Fine love you too but DON’T FORGET TO CALL ME IF ANYTHI-” *beep* Y/N chuckled to herself, as she hung up on her cousin and put in her earbuds. She sighed, pressed play on the playlist from her brother’s old Spotify account, and continued her short walk home.

_ Wait, is that the girl from earlier? _ Suga excitedly thought to himself as he saw Y/N walking past Ukai’s shop while waiting for the team’s meat buns.  _ I should go say hi- _ he thought, before getting cut off by his two best friends.

“What’cha looking at?” Asahi asked, trying to follow Suga’s gaze outside. 

“Who is it?” Daichi questioned, copying Asahi. 

“Nobody! It’s nobody, it’s nothing,” Suga quickly yet disappointedly said, turning back around to get the food for his team. The two boys laughed at their noticeably flustered friend but decided not to push. They all thanked the shop owner and met up with the rest of the team outside.


	4. The First Nightmare

_ “-PLEASE (B/N) OPEN UP! I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE PLEASE JUST OPEN THE DOOR!” Y/N screamed, banging on the bathroom door. No response. She kept trying to open the door, trying to push it, break it down, do  _ anything _ to get inside. Her breathing got quicker by the second, tears blurring her vision. The door finally broke from her repeated kicking and- “No. NO! NO NO NO NO-” _

“NO!” Y/N breathlessly yelled, jolting up from bed. She blinked her tear stained eyes, readjusting to her dark bedroom. As she calmed her breathing, she felt her back and neck drenched in cold sweat and her pillow damp from her tears. Sighing, Y/N fell back down onto her bed, staring up at the ceiling. She already felt the exhaustion building up and she just woke up. Y/N reached over to her bedside table and checked her phone, wincing at the bright light. After letting her eyes adjust, she saw that it read:  _ 5:24 AM.  _ The four hours of sleep she got were actually pretty impressive, considering how close it was to the anniversary date, she realized. Y/N tossed the device back over to the other side of the bed and went over her options of what to do since school didn’t start for another 3 hours.

  1. Go back to sleep. _Nope,_ Y/N thought. _Not a chance_.
  2. Call Iwaizumi. _As if,_ she said to herself. 
  3. Go on a run. _Hm, maybe,_ Y/N contemplated. 



She groaned and rolled over so her face was in her pillow and decided there was nothing better to do. Y/N didn’t necessarily like running but it gave her something to do and time to think by herself so she got up, changed, and went downstairs to make herself breakfast.

“Oh hi honey, why are you up so early?” Y/N’s mom said curiously. Y/N let out a small gasp and held her chest, recovering from the small scare. She forgot her mom left early at 5:30 every morning for her shift at the hospital. 

“Oh I just had-” Y/N started before cutting herself off. She never told her mom about the nightmares and didn’t plan to. No one else knew about them except Iwaizumi and even he didn’t know all the details about it even though he wanted to. Not because he actually wanted to know the details of Y/N finding her brother on the bathroom floor after he had overdosed on pills. But because he knew that because of her stubbornness she wouldn’t tell anyone else and it was building up. He was scared of the day it would all explode. “-had a um plan to go on an early run this morning!” Y/N cheerfully replied, grabbing a granola bar from the pantry.

“Oh okay. Aren’t you tired from yesterday’s late practice though?” M/N inquired. 

_ Yes _ , Y/N thought to herself. “No,” she said briskly to her mother. “Don’t worry about me, I’m fine!” Her mom looked at her with a wary stare but at that point, Y/N had gotten good enough at covering it up and changing the subject to convince her own mother. Finishing the last few bits of her breakfast, she threw the wrapper out and headed for the front door. “Bye mom, have a good day at work! I’ll see you later!” Y/N yelled out to her mom who was leaving through the garage.

“Bye honey, have fun at school!” Y/N heard her mom yell out before closing the door and heading out. Y/N took a deep breath in and exhaled, starting her morning run. 

~ Time skip to after run ~

Y/N walked into the lunch room with a big yawn and found her teammates sitting at their usual table. Michimiya got up and speed walked over to Y/N who stood in line for food. Seeing this and knowing what she was gonna say, Y/N laughed. 

“Y/N! So… have you thought about it long enough? You’ll do it, right?” Michimiya asked with pleading eyes. She didn’t have to specify what ‘it’ was since they both already knew. 

“Yes, Michimiya, I will do it. You can talk about it with Daichi for as long as you want,” Y/N gave in. “Speak of the devil himself, don’t look now but you have the perfect opportunity since he’s coming here nowwww,” she drawled. 

“No way. Oh my God Y/N how do I look?” Michimiya started to fix her hair and makeup obscurely, trying to pretend as if she wasn’t freaking out.

“You look perfect, stop that,” Y/N said, slapping away her friends hand from further messing up her already perfect makeup. 

“Hey Michimiya! Hey Y/N.” Daichi said, walking closer to them. “So..”

“She’s in!” Michimiya yelled. At this, some students around them turned to look at the loud commotion and Y/N, although being friendly and sometimes loud herself, hated being the center of attention. Especially since she hadn’t gotten much sleep at all the previous night. She grabbed her friend’s hand and gave her a slight squeeze, causing her friend to look at Y/N. 

_Easy there, tiger_ , Y/N’s stern but loving look seemed to say. Michimiya got the point and slightly nodded her head, regaining her cool. 

“Perfect!” Daichi exclaimed. “Thanks so much. So I was thinking…” As Daichi continued to give Y/N the rundown of how being their manager would work along with her own practices, her stomach twisted and she nervously sighed, wondering what she had gotten herself into.


	5. Introductions

Y/N closed her math notebook with a frustrated exhale, trying to process the complicated formulas that had just been thrown at her. She checked her phone.  _ 2:50 PM. _

_ Crap. Daichi told me to meet the boys at 3 and I still have to get changed! _ Y/N remembered. She ran out of her classroom in a disorderly fashion to get to her club room to change. On her way, Y/N bumped shoulders with a slightly shorter boy who had a funny streak of dyed hair in the front. “So sorry about that!” she yelled back, mentally telling herself to properly apologize about that later if she ever saw him again. 

_ Sh-she’s gorgeous. _ Nishinoya Yuu thought to himself before getting interrupted by a hard pat on the back from his friend and teammate, Tanaka Ryunosuke.

~ Quick time skip ~

Y/N knocked on the metal club door to the boys gym almost identical to hers. She evened out her breathing and smoothed down her hair from the sprint she ran to get there. Quickly checking her phone, she smiled. _3:00 PM._ _Perfect timing,_ Y/N said proudly.

“Hey, Y/N!” Daichi exclaimed before holding his hand up to motion her to wait, just like she had done to him yesterday. “Gather ‘round!” Y/N heard him yell to his teammates, which was followed by the silence of balls stopping and footsteps approaching the door. The boys were all curious to see who this visitor was. Daichi pulled open the door, revealing Y/N standing there waving with a bright smile. “This is our second new manager!” Daichi proudly said, putting his arm out to Y/N, motioning for her to introduce herself.

“Hi everyone! I’m F/N L/N and I’m gonna be another one of your managers this year! You guys can call me Y/N though,” Y/N said, trying her best to conceal her nerves. “I’m a second year and I also play for the girls team here, but I’m excited to work with you guys as well!” The boys stared at the beauty standing in the doorway, taking in her average height, H/C hair that fell beautifully across her shoulders, E/C eyes that sparkled when she smiled, and a pretty amazing body. 

_ Wow.  _

_ H o l y s h i - _

_ Hmph. Pretty. _

The majority of them had to pick their jaws up off the floor while Sugawara stepped forward and spoke first.

“You’re that girl from yesterday!” he exclaimed. Y/N looked to him and instantly recognized the silver-haired boy from the vending machine. 

“Oh, hey! Thanks again for that offer,” Y/N replied with a smile. Suga’s only response was an eager nod.

“YOU’RE THE ONE WHO BUMPED INTO ME EARLIER TODAY!” another voice yelled. Y/N looked over and saw the tuft of blond hair and immediately apologized. The other boys were looking on, each one trying to make an excuse to talk to the pretty girl too. Daichi clapped his hands, calling the attention of his teammates. 

“Everyone, let’s go around and introduce ourselves with names and positions. Since Y/N here already plays and knows volleyball, don’t be afraid to hold back.” He pointed to the first person on the left.

“I’m Hinata Shoyou, a first year and middle blocker!” a short, loud, orange-haired boy exclaimed. “Nice to meet you! So you’re gonna be our manager? You said you-” he rambled, before getting slapped in the head by the boy next to him.

“Oi, it’s my turn you dumbass,” the midnight-haired, brooding boy sternly said with a glare. He turned his attention onto Y/N, causing her to tense up a little. “I’m Kageyama Tobio. Also a first year setter.” Y/N could instantly tell he was gonna be a tougher one, but smiled and turned her attention onto the boy next to him. 

_ That name sounds familiar, _ Y/N noted. She tucked that away for the moment as the line continued and Y/N concentrated on remembering everyone’s name and position. Since she was already an observant person, she found it easy, assigning little noticeable quirks to each of the boys.  _ Tsukishima: cold blondie with glasses. Yamaguchi: cute freckles, seemed to be Tsukishima’s best friend. Tanaka Ryunosuke: baldie who blushed furiously. Nishinoya: already knew. Ennoshita, Kinoshita, Narita: calmer, timid trio. Sugawara: already knew. Asahi: friendly giant with nice hair. Daichi: already knew. _

“Nice to meet all of you!” Y/N laughed. “Forgive me if I forget anyone’s name.” The boys, entranced by their new pretty manager, all just nodded. 

“I’m Shimizu Kiyoko,” a pretty girl said, following the lead of the boys. 

_ Wow is she pretty, _ Y/N thought to herself.  _ Holy- _ “You must be the manager! So nice to finally meet you too,” Y/N said. She had a feeling that she and Kiyoko would be close friends and silently thanked her for being her saving grace in the midst of all the sweaty boys. During their quick interaction, the rest of the team -specifically Tanaka and Nishinoya- were trying not to explode at the sight of the two attractive girls actually talking.

“Since she’s also on the girls team, she’s going to have to split her time with us and her own team,” Daichi explained. “I already spoke with the girls’ captain and she said Y/N could get in practice with us too when she’s with us and go back to her own team during the practices before her own games.” Y/N could already feel the exhaustion piling up on her hearing her own schedule but kept the smile plastered to her face as Daichi continued talking. 

_ Here we go, _ Y/N said to herself with a deep breath. _ I can do this. _


	6. Connections

“Y/NNNNNNN,” Hinata called during a water break. Y/N smiled at the sound of the little ball of energy.

“What’s up, Hinata?”

“You said you play for the girls team right? What position?” Hinata’s bright smile reminded Y/N of her brother. Shaking the random thought from her head, she realized that she had forgotten to tell them her position and had no time to actually practice for herself, since she spent the first hour going over the details with Kiyoko. They both took an instant liking to each other, finding it easy to talk about both volleyball and other school drama. Both Coach Ukai and Takeda liked the new girl too, finding her respect and ability to control the boys a breath of fresh air.

“Oh right, um I mainly play wing spiker but can also play all around,” Y/N replied, almost bashfully. Practice was far from over but Y/N didn’t want too much attention drawn to her since she was starting to get tired. No one could tell, though. The other boys didn’t try to hide their eavesdropping; their full attention was on the pretty girl. 

“Why don’t you join in on our practice now?” Daichi interrupted, mentally scolding himself for forgetting that Y/N also had to practice herself. 

“Are you sure? I don’t want to intrude,” Y/N started, before Daichi reminded her that it was a part of their deal that she also got to practice with them. “Okay, then, I’ll play!” Y/N looked to Kiyoko who eagerly pushed Y/N on since she too wanted to see the new girl play. As Y/N was busy tying up her hair into her signature high ponytail, she didn’t notice the scarlet blushes drawn across almost every boy’s face. The coaches smiled in anticipation, wondering what the new manager/athlete was like on the actual court. “Queen- ah right,” Y/N said, looking at the group of boys staring at her like puppies, “King of the Court?”

“Ossu!” the boys all yelled, heading back to the court.

“I’ll be switching around positions a lot, okay?” Y/N told Daichi. During a typical King of the Court game, people switched around but mainly tried to stay in their preferred position. He nodded, giving the signal to start. Y/N started out on the winning side first in the left position to start with a bang with Nishinoya to her right, and Hinata on the left side. Kageyama stayed brooding at the net with a scowl. To her pleasure, Asahi was the starting server and he served it right to Y/N. Within a flash, she was behind the ball, guiding it towards the setter spot with perfection and ease. “LEFT!” Y/N called, hoping for a set. Hinata was already running up as she passed the ball and she knew Kageyama well enough to know he would set him. Still, she did her full approach and since the team had already gotten used to Hinata’s jumping ability, their focus wasn’t on him anymore. Their eyes were glued to Y/N who jumped just as high as him even as a decoy. 

Y/N broke out in a smile as she gracefully fell back onto the floor and walked towards the middle. Hinata had obviously gotten the point, meaning their team could stay on the winning side but the boys stayed where they were. Y/N quickly remembered that coming into the center after every point wasn’t something the Boys team at Karasuno did. Laughing off her embarrassment, she motioned for the three other boys on her team to come into the center. They silently came and she pulled them in for a quick huddle. “Nice kill, Hinata. Smart toss, Kageyama,” Y/N said encouragingly while looking at each player. “It might seem weird but the girls come in after every point to reset.” “What?” Y/N asked, looking at the gaping mouths of every player in the room. 

“You-you can jump just as high as me?” Hinata said incredulously. Y/N was only a few inches taller than him but even she knew that people found her vertical to be pretty high. She just wasn’t expecting the shocked reaction from the boys, since they had seen Hinata.

“Oh, well yeah, I guess,” Y/N replied with a shy smile. Wanting to shake the awkwardness from the room, she confidently said, “Kageyama. Set me next time so y’all can see me in full action. Nice and high, close to the net. You got this.” Kageyama grunted his response with a slight head nod, returning back to the setter position. Almost every boy in the gym fell harder for Y/N as she laughed it off. “Let’s get back to it!” 

Since Asahi’s side had lost the point, a new server was serving. Tsukishima. Y/N pushed forward a little since she knew he didn’t have the best serves and motioned for Nishinoya to do the same. He followed instructions and with the blow of the whistle, Tsukishima served it perfectly to where Nishinoya was, allowing him to send an A pass to Kageyama. 

“LEFT!” Y/N yelled, already transitioning back to get enough run up space. Kageyama remembered how she liked her toss and sent a perfect one over with Y/N starting to run up. She had faith in Kageyama’s sets so she didn’t hesitate and rather focused on pushing through the balls of her feet and up. Pulling her arm back in perfect form, she saw Sugawara’s block in front of her and saw that she could either 1. Risk a dangerous line shot, 2. Hit over the block and swing harder for a cut shot in front of Yamaguchi.  _ Sorry Freckles, _ Y/N said in her head. Within a second, the ball whipped past Yamaguchi, barely grazed the tips of Suga’s fingertips, and smacked the floor with a loud thud. He barely had time to react not only because of the speed, but because of the power that was thrown into the ball. The gym fell silent again, the only sound being Y/N’s whoop of victory. “That was a perfect set Kageyama! Nice pass, too, Nishinoya,” Y/N said to the boys cautiously headed for the center. She high fived each of the boys and went back to her position. 

“Wow,” was all Y/N heard as the rest of the boys murmured to themselves and to each other. She almost forgot about her tiredness from how much fun she was having, like she always does. But that time was different because of how nostalgic it was playing with the boys. It took a second for everyone to recover and focus again, but Daichi served towards Hinata and they lost the next point. 

“Don’t mind, Hinata,” Y/N assured the frustrated boy. Hearing her voice made him more flustered than anything, replacing the previous nervousness from his pass. They jogged to the other side, getting in line to wait for their next turns during the rally. Y/N, however, headed towards the sideline next to the next, waiting in line to set. She didn’t notice the curious stares from the team since no one besides Kageyama or Suga set. Asahi won the next point, causing her to pat him on the back on his way to the other side. “Nice kill.”

It was Y/N’s turn to set and she silently prayed to the gods that Oikawa’s relentless hours of setting practice with her didn’t fail her now. Ennoshita dug the ball from Tanaka’s hit but it was a little off. With a smirk, she ran under the ball and tossed it perfectly to Daichi on the right side, giving him options. He chose a regular cross court shot in front of Kinoshita who got a touch on it. 

“Great set,” Daichi said to Y/N in their huddle. 

“Thanks. Nice kill. Great pass too, Ennoshita.” Y/N was smiling as she gave high fives to her other teammates. Turning to go to the other side of the net, she wiggled her eyebrows with a smirk to Kageyama and Suga who stood there the most dumbfounded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure you've noticed by now, but just in case you haven't: I'm going to be using the American terminology for volleyball instead of the ones used in the show/in Japan so like toss=set for example. I'm also not going to be using the honorifics/name attachments because I don't want to use them wrong!


	7. Unexpected News

Y/N stood by the door trying to get some cool air while gulping down her water. Practice was almost over, but they got water before the coaches made their end-of-practice announcements. 

“Great job today,” Y/N heard Sugawara say to her. 

“Thanks, you too” Y/N replied with a big smile. She was tired but had fun nonetheless and was actually excited to continue being their manager. Sugawara, Hinata, and Daichi were the only ones who had enough courage to actually talk to Y/N freely because they had previously known her or in Hinata’s case, he just wanted to talk to her. Y/N didn’t mind Hinata’s seemingly overwhelming excitement since his bubbly personality reminded her of her brother. Y/N knew that if she thought about it for too long, she would probably have an episode and close herself off which is not what she needed or wanted on the first day of being with them.

“I don’t know why, but I feel sort of threatened, to be honest.” Suga’s honesty made Y/N slightly choke on her water in laughter. He felt good about making her laugh and wanted to do it more. While she laughed with squinted eyes, she couldn’t see the blush on her friend’s face before he turned to try to shake it off. 

“Why, though? I’m not actually allowed to play in competitions with you guys, you know.”

“I know. But still,” Sugawara replied, shrugging. She patted him on the back reassuringly. 

“I promise I won’t steal your position,” Y/N smiled teasingly. Suga looked down at her, trying to take in her sparkling E/C eyes to the fullest. Coach Ukai interrupted his moment of awe, calling them to come into the center. “Let’s go.”

“We were invited to a week long training camp by Nekoma and there will be top level teams there as well,” Coach Ukai explained. Cheers and whoops circled around the boys before getting cut off by Ukai trying to finish his sentence. “And actually, we have another practice match with Aoba Johsai in two days.”

“What?” Y/N said in unison with Kageyama. The boys looked surprised at Y/N’s sudden reaction. “Sorry,” Y/N quickly said. “It’s nothing.” The sudden information didn’t have much time to process since Takeda-Sensei yanked everyone back to reality.

“You all do know that your exams are that week, right?”

(You know how this next part goes so I’m just gonna skip over to the end)

Y/N laughed at the variety of reactions from the rowdy bunch, standing next to Kiyoko. But she couldn’t help feel both excited and nervous to finally see her cousin again.  _ This is gonna be one hell of a ride, _ Y/N thought to herself.

~ Quick time skip ~

Y/N was walking home next to Tsukishima and Yamaguchi since they found out they all lived in the same direction. Y/N was finding out more about Yamaguchi and even Tsukishima. She realized she had judged them a little too quickly as she found out they were actually pretty cool and funny. Before Yamaguchi could finish his comment on his favorite drink from the vending machines, Hinata yelled out Y/N and Tsukishima’s name. They turned to find him standing next to Kageyama who refused to meet their eyes.

“Please help us study!” the human tangerine yelled. (Again, you know how this pans out with Tsukishima’s response) “Y/N? What about you? Can you PLEASE HELP US STUDY!?!?!?” 

Chuckling, Y/N tried to let Hinata down in the nicest way possible. “I would love to, I really would, Hinata, but I don’t know if I can. I already have a lot on my plate,” but seeing Hinata’s precious pleading eyes and even Kageyama silently begging for help, she followed up with “Fine. I will. I can’t promise I’ll be the best or if I’ll always have time, but I’ll try. Okay?”

“THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!” Hinata yelled, running to hug his new tutor. She braced herself for the impact and patted the little boy’s head. Kageyama just bowed and Y/N shook her head, telling him it was no problem. 

~ Time skip to Y/N’s house~ 

Y/N headed to the shower after eating a quick dinner by herself since her mom had already gone to bed. After showering, she plopped into bed, quickly trying to remember if she had any homework. Thankfully she hadn’t since she had done it that morning before school. 

_ 12:56 AM _ , her phone read. 

With an exhausted sigh, she snuggled deeper into the covers, praying for a good rest that night. The nightmare still came. Y/N didn’t know why she was expecting anything different. But this time, she was so tired that when she woke up at 2 am, she couldn’t help but fall back asleep. Thankfully it didn’t happen again, but Y/N’s disturbed sleep was still haunted by the anniversary that was creeping up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slower chapter! I also added in a few notes in there to save some writing time and just for future reference: I'm also gonna try to stick to the vague plot in the anime while also adding a few things in there myself!


	8. Anticipation

The next day went by quick for Y/N, her classes going by like a blur. She had to miss the first half of practice since her own team needed her. Y/N’s after practice tutoring sessions with Hinata and Kageyama were excruciating but she fought to stay positive throughout it, especially since she knew Tsukishima was so mean to them. 

“I can’t do this, Y/N,” Hinata groaned, slamming his pencil down on his biology homework. 

“Yes you can, Hinata.” Y/N tilted the paper to see the problem he was working on. Y/N excelled in science so she helped the boys with that the most. “Look here. The enzymes here make the reaction-”

“No, I mean Tsukishima,” Hinata exclaimed, cutting Y/N off and becoming instantly distracted. It shocked Y/N how easily Hinata could lose focus and she sighed, deciding to let Hinata explain his situation. “He’s so mean and only yells at me for not understanding!” After a while of trying to calm Hinata down, Y/N’s alarm went off, signaling it was time to end their study session. Y/N looked over to Hinata’s halfway done worksheet and contemplated on what to do. 

“Maybe try to find someone else to help you? What about Yachi? She said she was in class 5, so that must mean she’s smart enough to help you, right?” Y/N said, hoping that it was true. Y/N had met Yachi the day before at practice when she introduced herself to everyone. The poor girl was a nervous wreck and made Y/N feel a little on edge but for her kouhai’s sake, she tried to be as least intimidating as possible. They’d be working together for at least another year, Y/N realized. Might as well try to make the best out of it.

“That’s right! We’ll go do that tomorrow during lunch!” Hinata said, perking up and poking Kageyama who had drifted off to sleep next to him. “Thanks so much, Y/N!” She nodded, hoping the best for them. For now, though, she couldn’t wait for tomorrow and the practice match against Seijoh.

~ Time skip ~

Stress didn’t take that big of a toll on Y/N. If anything, it distracted her from having nightmares and occupied her time so she couldn’t have any panic attacks. The only thing that really offset her episodes were things that reminded her of her brother. That night, after she finished her own studying and got ready for bed, it was a bad night. That led to a bad day. It wasn’t Iwa’s fault, but the idea of seeing her cousin again caused her to wake up from her nightmare sobbing. Y/N was tired. So tired. Not just physically from the lack of sleep she was getting, but mentally. She turned to her side, trying to subdue her cries into her pillow so as to not wake up her mom. She was scared to go back to sleep. Y/N was sick and tired of reliving that moment over and over again, unable to do anything everytime. Getting up from bed, Y/N sat by her desk and studied. Studied for every class final, going over every question from class, doing anything to distract herself. After a few hours of studying, the alarm she had for waking up at 7:30 AM went off. 

_ Why do I even have this set anymore, _ Y/N asked herself as she turned off the blaring noise. She put her books back into her bag and went over her schedule for the day.  _ -udying, practice, the practice match. Seijoh. Iwaizumi. Oikawa. _ As Y/N remembered the practice match, a knot in her stomach formed and her breathing became shallow. Blinking quickly, her pace started to quicken and her surroundings disappeared. Y/N fell onto her bed and bent over with her shaking hands on her knees, trying to focus on something,  _ anything _ , to help her calm down. The bile in her throat threatened to rise, mirroring the burning sensation in her eyes. Y/N couldn’t see or feel anything. She couldn’t breathe. After an agonizingly long few minutes, her second morning alarm went off, interrupting her panic. She shakily stood up to go turn it off, wiping the tears away. Y/N went into the bathroom and splashed her face with cold water to ground herself like Iwaizumi had taught her, forcing herself to focus on the ice cold instead of her brother. She looked up at herself in the mirror and saw her swollen eyes and dark circles starting to show more. Her breathing had gotten better so she went to leave the house for school, choosing not to grab anything for breakfast since she didn’t trust herself to keep any breakfast down.  _ Please let this day go by quick, _ Y/N prayed to the gods.


	9. Long Time No See

At lunch, Y/N went to go check on Hinata and Kageyama to see how they were doing with Yachi. The dark hole pit in her stomach made her feel nauseous all day so she decided she would do something productive with her time rather than poke her food around. Walking down the first year hallway, Y/N didn’t pay attention to the glances and murmurs from the other first years. She’d learned to drone them out. She finally found Yachi’s classroom and walked in to find Hinata and Kageyama sitting across an evidently nervous Yachi who seemed to be a second away from cracking. 

“Hey guys!” Y/N said brightly to the trio, trying to push away the exhaustion threatening to take over. As she pulled up a chair, Hinata was automatically racing to talk about  _ something _ other than his English assignment. Y/N cut him off with a smile and pointed to his paper, signaling to keep working and turned her attention to Yachi to try to get to know her a little better.

~ Time skip ~

Y/N nervously carried the chairs for the practice match over to each side, lost in deep thought. Too many thoughts ran through Y/N’s head as she set up chair after chair. Unknowingly, the lack of smile on her face caused the boys to stare and wonder what was wrong. Y/N was always smiling and they knew her well enough to know something was wrong if she had a serious face like that for too long. But to the boys’ luck, a loud, familiar voice could be heard as the Aoba Johsai team walked towards the entrance. Y/N’s breath hitched, making her look up from the pile of chairs and towards the door.

“Iwa-chan, are you excited to see Y/N? We haven’t seen her in so long. You at least get to talk to her over the phone. You never let me talk to her.” Oikawa’s voice got louder and louder until he and Iwaizumi were standing at the door. The Karasuno team was tense, everyone evidently nervous to rematch the powerhouse school. Daichi stood up to welcome them, but within a second, Y/N was sprinting past him towards the door. 

“Y/-” Daichi said before getting cut off by Y/N jumping into Iwaizumi’s outstretched arms. He braced for the impact and her muffled laughter filled the otherwise silent gym and she didn’t care what her teammates thought. All she could think about was that Iwaizumi was there, and the pit in her stomach wasn’t. She was slightly teary-eyed as she hugged onto Iwaizumi and that made the Karasuno boys’ jaws drop even further.

“Hey, why don’t I get a hug, Y/N? I haven’t seen you-” Y/N shut Oikawa up by grabbing his jacket and pulling him in, making it more of like an awkwardly placed group hug. Wiping her tears, she let go of Iwaizumi, dropping a few inches to the floor. 

“Hey, Iwa.”

“Hey, Y/N. Long time no see.” Iwaizumi noticed the shadow of dark circles under her eyes but decided not to mention it in front of everyone. He motioned for Y/N to do their handshake and she obliged, laughing. Hearing her laugh made him crack a rare genuine smile. He was happy that she was happy. 

“You probably missed me a lot, huh Y/N?” Oikawa interrupted. With a light punch to the arm, he made a quick show of acting hurt but smiled. 

“You still suck,” Y/N said bluntly, even though she had a faint smile tugging on her lips. She leaned over his shoulder to say hi to the other Seijoh teammates she recognized. “Hey Matsuwaka, Hanamaki,” Y/N said with a smile and wave. Y/N even waved to Watari, Yahabi, and Kyoutani, earning small nods in acknowledgement. The boys waved back with shy smiles.  _ Oh right,  _ Y/N reminded herself, feeling the stares about to burn holes into her back. She turned to her new team who was just standing there, slack-jawed. She was back to her normal smiley self now that she had seen and hugged her cousin. “Um this is Iwaizumi and Oikawa and the rest of Seijoh, as you probably already knew.”  _ No shit, Y/N _ . Pointing to Iwa, Y/N said with the big smile everyone knew and loved, “He’s my cousin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Try to imagine their handshake like Tom Holland and Jacob Batalon / Peter Parker and Ned's handshake from Spider-man :)


	10. Substitute

“WHAT?!” Y/N laughed at the in-sync reaction from her teammates. She even heard a few echoes from behind her, whom she assumed were from the first years that she hadn’t had the chance to meet.

“Y-you’re cousins with the ace from Seijoh? And you know the G-Great King?” Hinata asked incredulously. Y/N couldn’t tell if it was fear or excitement plastered on the boy’s face. Maybe a mix of both.

“Yeah, I grew up with them so they’re like my brothers,” Y/N said with a small smile. She was barely able to choke out the last word but tried to cover it up. “Sorry I never told you guys. Guess the time never came up.” Y/N shrugged. Now being fully aware of everyone’s attention on her, Y/N clapped her hands to remind everyone what they were there to do. “I don’t know if everyone forgot, but I’m pretty sure you’re all here for a practice match? Let’s get this show on the road, people,” Y/N yelled, pushing her cousin and his best friend towards the chairs she had set up and ushering the rest of the team in. “Let’s have a good game.” Y/N’s smirked after sticking her tongue out to Iwa and Oikawa as she walked over to the Karasuno team.

Walking over to the corner where they were huddled, Y/N heard Coach Ukai finish up talking about the game. “-a perfect opportunity before your exams start and we head to Tokyo. Let’s make the most of this game!” 

“Ossu!” Before Daichi could have his turn with encouraging the team, Y/N tapped his shoulder, silently asking if she could quickly say something. He nodded, opening up the circle to the pretty new manager.

“Sorry you guys had to find out this way, but given that you know now, please do me a favor and crush these guys, yeah?” Y/N said with a confident smirk and wink to the boys. The boys didn’t need any further encouragement. Seeing Y/N so happy with her beautiful laughing eyes set the boys on  _ fire  _ and was fuel enough to get riled up and ready for the game. Daichi finished his quick speech to the team who was not listening, and they lined up as Y/N went to go stand with Kiyoko on the sidelines.

“Let’s have a good game!” The gym boomed, and the game had begun.

~ Time skip ~ 

Karasuno had won the first set with a 3 point lead while Seijoh had won the second with a 7 point lead. Y/N tried her best to encourage the team and pick them up from the rut they were getting into while they waited for the third set. 

_ Maybe I put too much pressure on them? _ Y/N thought to herself. Before she was able to think of something else to say, she was cut off by the sound of Tanaka running out of the gym, holding his stomach. Alarmed, Y/N and Kiyoko tried to run after him but Nishinoya was already on his trail. They couldn’t follow him into the boys bathroom so instead they waited for Noya to come out and explain. 

“He thinks he’s sick,” Noya cautiously said, coming out of the door. For some reason, Y/N could tell Nishinoya had a guilty look on his face. 

“And why is that?” Y/N asked with a squint. A few moments passed before Nishinoya responded.

“I...I dared him earlier to chew the gum that was under his desk.” Nishinoya held his breath. “I didn’t think he’d get sick from it, it was just a pran-”

“YOU DID WHAT? AND HE ACTUALLY DID IT?” Y/N yelled, slightly panicking. If they weren’t in the middle of a practice match, Y/N might have actually laughed at how stupid her teammates were, but that wasn’t the time. Kiyoko ran to grab the medicine from the nurse as Y/N walked back to the gym to explain the reason for the holdup. But before turning around, she knocked on the door and made sure Tanaka could hear her while she stared at Nishinoya. “Tanaka, you better be glad you’re not feeling well right now or else I would punch you right in the gut. For now, wait for Kiyoko to come back and take the medicine and go to the nurse with her. Nishinoya, you’re coming back with me.” Nishinoya was head over heels for Y/N but still widened his eyes in fear since he had never seen her get so angry. Pulling his hand, Y/N dragged them back to the gym to find both teams staring at her. 

No one other than Iwa and Oikawa could see the exhaustion on Y/N’s face. She was good at hiding it. But everyone stayed silent as she addressed everyone. “Tanaka isn’t feeling well currently, so,” Y/N turned to address the Karasuno team. “You guys are going to have to sub in another wing spiker.” She turned back to the guest team. “Sorry for the holdup, we can get back to playi-”

“Why don’t you play, Y/N?” Iwaizumi asked. Y/N shot daggers with her eyes and was about to refuse until Daichi cut in.

“That’s not a bad idea, actually. Why not?” With a big sigh, Y/N’s lips tightened into a thin line that could've passed as a smile and said:

“Fine.”


	11. That's Game

The score was 5-4, Karasuno. Y/N flew with the ball towards the outside, closing in the 3 person block. Iwaizumi hadn’t seen Y/N play in a while so he was shocked to see her flying into his view so quickly and so high. With a quick scan, he saw the opening for a nasty cut shot and started to swing. What he failed to realize was that Y/N had purposely left that open and he had fallen into her trap. Before anyone could register, Y/N saw his glance and swung her arms to her left, blocking the previously open shot, slamming the ball down with her curved hands. She too had underestimated how strong her cousin had gotten but forgot all about the burning sensation on her hands as she laughed at the scowl on her cousin's face. Scoffing, he turned and went back to his team as she pulled her teammates in for their point huddle. At this point, everyone could tell this set was going to be a showdown between Y/N and Iwaizumi (and Oikawa) but they weren’t complaining since they were mesmerized by Y/N’s playing. She and Hinata had gotten the most points with their attacking and no one from Karasuno had gotten a service ace yet because of Seijoh’s experienced defense.Her short moment of glory with mid-air battles was cut off by the fact that it was her turn to serve. With a smile laced with mischief, she took the ball and walked back to the service line. 

_ Here we go, Y/N. You got this. _ Y/N had learned how to serve from mainly her brother and Oikawa, and the older players on the other side of the net knew this. They remembered B/N’s serve. Gulping, they prepared themselves for the serve and realized this must be what the other team’s feel when Oikawa goes back to the service line. Y/N also realized she had never served in front of the Karasuno boys yet so it would also be their first time seeing it. Taking a deep breath and closing her eyes, she focused on her brother’s faint voice in her head, taking her through the steps. 

_ Toss high. _ Y/N threw the ball up with her dominant hand, creating a perfect spinning ball on its way to its apex.  _ Left, _ Y/N stepped.  _ With the last two steps, put all your power in the balls of your heels and swing up. Right, left. _ Y/N flew up, meeting the ball perfectly on its course down.  _ Swing. _ Y/N put everything she had into it and tilted her snapped wrist slightly, aiming it to the corner behind the new first year she didn’t recognize. Before he could even react, the ball had already painted the back line with a loud smack that echoed throughout the whole -now silent- gym. The poor boy with wide eyes quickly tried to snap out of the trance Y/N put him in, promising to get the next one. Y/N returned to the middle laughing in slight embarrassment at the praise her teammates were giving her. Though they lost the point, Iwaizumi and Oikawa couldn’t help but smile at the sight of Iwa’s cousin looking so happy. 

_ I’m glad she’s doing better, _ Iwaizumi thought to himself.

“Oh stop being such a showoff, Y/N,” Oikawa teasingly accused from across the net, cutting off Iwaizumi’s train of thought. That comment earned him a slap on the head from Iwa but Y/N just stuck her tongue out with a smile at the two of them. Returning back to the service line, the rest of Aoba Johsai prepared themselves, each hoping they wouldn’t be the next victim of Y/N’s serve. 

~ Time skip ~

As Y/N slammed the ball down in a perfect line shot, the Karasuno team ran up to hug her. They had won the set 27-25 and the whole practice match. Sugawara, who had become one of her closest friends on the whole team, picked her up and spun her around, earning a light pounding on his back in protest from Y/N. 

“Put me down, Suga,” Y/N laughed. He did as he was told and she high-fived the rest of the boys. Calling the attention of the rest of the gym, she called out, “Technically this doesn’t count because I played so next time it’ll count for real and you guys can go back to your rivalry. Good game, though!” All of the boys nodded, except for Oikawa who was sulking in the corner with his back turned. “I’ll be right back, guys,” Y/N said to the Karasuno team who started to clean up. She jogged over to her cousin who was in the middle of scolding his setter and best friend but at the sound of her footsteps, they both turned to face her. “Thanks for making this happen by the way. It was really nice seeing you guys again.”

“It was nothing,” Iwaizumi said with a smile. “How are you doing, though? You look tired. Have you been having them lately? You haven’t called yet so I figured you-” Y/N walked over to her cousin and silently hugged him, shutting him up. He knew Y/N didn’t like talking about the incident or the aftermath out loud and sometimes just needed silence. She didn’t trust herself to talk out loud. Oikawa knew this too, so he walked back to his team to give them some time alone. With a huff, he patted his cousin’s head and after a few moments, pulled her shoulders back so she could see his face. Y/N only let her guard down in front of him and he could see the fatigue building up inside her. It broke his heart, really. Seeing her like that. Before the incident with her brother, she never looked tired and always had this bright energy around her. Even though other people still saw her bright side, he couldn’t help but notice that her light was significantly dimmer compared to a year ago. 

“I’m okay. Really,” Y/N said reluctantly, dismissing every question he had asked. 

“You don’t sound or look like it.”

“Whatever. It’s fine.” Y/N paused for a long moment. “I miss him,” Y/N whispered so quietly even Iwaizumi had trouble hearing. Her voice wavered. 

“Me too, Y/N. Me too,” Iwa admitted, grateful that his cousin even confessed this vulnerable detail with him. “But we’ll be okay. You’ll be okay.” He missed his cousin so much and couldn’t even begin to imagine how Y/N was really feeling.

“I sure hope so,” Y/N sighed. But even that moment of unguardedness was too much for her so she took a deep breath and her usual smile returned to her face, though it didn’t reach her eyes. “But really. Thanks for coming.” 

“Of course. Still keep in touch, ‘kay?” Iwa said to his younger cousin. She nodded. “Looks like we’re heading out now. See you later, shorty.” 

“Oh shut up,” Y/N laughed, punching Iwa’s arm. “See you later.” They waved and Y/N returned to the Karasuno team who was already almost done with cleaning up. “Oh shoot, sorry! Let me take those,” Y/N yelled to Asahi who was carrying the chairs. Asahi shook his head, trying to quicken his pace before Y/N could steal the chairs from him, but she caught up and slapped the ace’s arm. Y/N didn’t want to not help clean up and needed something to do to distract herself. “I got it.”


	12. Bus Ride

Exam week had flown by quickly for Y/N. She fell into the routine schedule of getting woken up too early, studying, going to school, taking tests, practice, more studying, and little sleep. Since they were done though, Y/N didn’t have anything but volleyball to distract her so she spent more and more time trying to tire herself out and make up for the free time she had. Unbeknownst to her, Y/N looked progressively worse since the last practice match with Seijoh, causing her dark circles to be a lot more prominent now, even though it was summer break and exams were done. Y/N couldn’t go to the first few days of the boys’ training camp in Tokyo because she had to practice with her own team but she convinced Michimiya to let her go to the longer, second half. 

It was dark out as Y/N walked towards the group of boys waiting by the bus. “I hope I’m not too late,” Y/N called out to Sugawara and Asahi, making them jump a little at her voice. 

“Y/N!” They exclaimed, hugging her as she chuckled. Y/N had been so occupied with volleyball that she didn’t have the chance to see the team since before they left for Tokyo the first time. 

“Don’t worry, you’re not late. We just arrived too,” Asahi said. Y/N responded with a slight smile and dip of her head. Looking around, she waved to the rest of the team and sighed with relief to see Tanaka was back to his normal, rowdy self. After the practice match, he had to skip practices to fully recover, according to his mother’s orders. Y/N noticed that Hinata and Kageyama  _ weren’t  _ arguing. That was weird. They weren’t even standing close to each other. 

“Hey.” Y/N tapped Suga’s shoulder, bringing his attention to where she was looking. “Did something happen between those two? Why do they seem distant and tense?” Y/N didn’t have to say their names for Suga to know who she was talking about.

“Oh, right. Did no one tell you?” Suga asked. Y/N shook her head, trying not to show her confusion and worry. “Basically, during the last day of practice matches in Tokyo,” Suga started to explain, pulling her aside to briefly tell her what happened before they had to board the bus. After he finished telling her, Y/N couldn’t decide if she was shocked or not. She knew Hinata and Kageyama were good enough to evolve, but she didn’t think they would explode like that. 

“Wow. But knowing them,” Y/N started, “they’ll work it out. It’ll take a while but they will. I mean when have they not, you know?” Suga stared at the hopeful girl with a blush he hoped she didn’t see rising onto his cheeks. Y/N didn’t, just as Sugawara couldn’t see the dark circles and smaller smiles she was giving him. Sugawara just nodded and turned his attention to Coach Ukai and Takeda who were making their announcements. They quickly gave some encouragement and the team loaded onto the bus. Y/N, Yachi, and Kiyoko got on last since they had to do a final quick scan of all their belongings. Yachi and Kiyoko sat together at the front behind Takeda’s driver seat and Y/N scanned the bus to see if there were any empty seats. 

_ Of course there aren’t _ . (Luckily?) for Y/N, Sugawara was already waving at her, pointing to the empty seat next to him. She gave a small nod and started to walk over to his aisle. Y/N didn’t think much of it since she was so tired that all she wanted was sleep. 

“Do you prefer window or aisle?” Sugawara asked, standing up in the walkway. 

“I don’t really care, I’ll just take the window,” Y/N stated bluntly. Though Sugawara was a little disappointed that Y/N couldn’t lean on his shoulder to sleep, he still smiled to himself because he felt like he could protect her. After she settled in, Sugawara sat down next to her with his arms in his lap and tense shoulders like a nervous puppy. The bus started and a few minutes passed of just silence between the manager and setter while the rest of the bus was full of low murmurs. 

“I was thinki-” Sugawara began, before looking over to see that Y/N was passed out against the window. He shut up and just looked at the girl he had started to really like.  _ Even when she’s sleeping she looks beautiful, _ he thought to himself. He took off his jacket and placed it over Y/N’s crossed arms, hoping she wouldn’t mind the warm makeshift blanket. Blushing, he turned back over to see Daichi and Asahi peeking over their seats next to them, giggling like little girls at their friend. Embarrassed, Sugawara pretended not to hear their teasing and started to drift off to sleep.

-

_ The door finally broke from her repeated kicking and- “No. NO! NO NO NO NO!” Y/N screamed, running over to her limp brother. “B/N? B/N?!” Falling on her knees, she grabbed her brother’s wrist to check his pulse. And felt nothing. She frantically tried to perform CPR on him, trying to do anything to get him to open his eyes again. She could tell distant sirens were getting closer but she couldn’t hear anything except a roaring in her ears. Through her teary eyes, she could make out outlines of the pills scattered across the floor and the bright orange pill bottle inches away from B/N’s hand. She couldn’t tell how much time had passed of her sobbing with her cold, lifeless brother in her arms before another pair of strong arms pulled her away. “NO, PLEASE!” Y/N yelled, clawing away at the arms that constrained her. “DON’T TOUCH HIM!” Y/N roared at another set of gloved hands that were reaching for B/N’s neck.  _

_ Iwaizumi couldn’t believe what he had just walked into. “Y/N! Y/N! LOOK AT ME, Y/N-” _

“Y/N? Y/N?” Y/N jerked up to the sound of Sugawara’s voice and slender hands shaking her. She tried to calm her irregular breathing and it took her a moment to remember where she was and she tried to wipe her face-

_ Why is my face wet? _ Y/N thought to herself, pulling back her hand to find tears on her fingers.  _ Shit. Shit. Shit. Shi-  _ Y/N looked up around her to find everyone on the bus staring at her with genuine concern drawn across all their faces.  _ Great. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There aren't going to be any serious relationships in this story but maybe a few small moments ;)


	13. First Day

“Y/N, are you okay? You were screaming in your sleep.” Sugawara’s face took up most of her view, shielding her from the stares of her other teammates. Y/N looked outside the window, where the sun was just starting to peek out from the horizon. 

_ Good going, Y/N. Great job.  _ “Um, y-yeah,” Y/N said distantly. “Yeah. Sorry about that,” Y/N said sheepishly with a fake smile to the group. “I’m okay, though.” Though no one fully believed her, they figured it would be better to take her word for it and leave it at that so they turned back around in their seats. Y/N debated with herself about if she should ask what exactly she said out loud. She figured if she possibly said B/N’s name out loud, Sugawara would ask who it is.  _ No no no. Whatever, it’s fine.  _ The embarrassment of the whole situation was evident on Y/N’s burning face and ears and she wished she could disappear into her seat and never come back out.  _ That’s so embarrassing. Oh. My. God. _ With a deep breath, Y/N closed her eyes and pulled the jacket on her lap to try and cover her face.  _ This smells good. Clean. Wait- _ Y/N came back to earth and pulled the jacket in her hands back.  _ This isn’t mine. Why do I have this? Whose- _ Y/N looked up at the silver haired boy next to her who was still watching her with concern in his eyes. Y/N hated that look. Quickly trying to change the subject, she swiftly folded the jacket and handed it back to Sugawara. “I’m assuming this is yours. Thanks,” Y/N said with a normal smile.

“Yeah, no worries. You can still use it if you want, but are you really oka-”

“I’m fine,” Y/N said, cutting him off with a bright smile that didn’t reach her eyes. Looking at her closer now, he could see her dark circles and dim eyes. She turned from his uncomfortable stare, signaling to Sugawara that she didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Another pit formed in her stomach as the smile dropped from her face as she looked out the window. She held her hands tightly in her lap, trying to conceal the fact that her hands couldn’t stop shaking, Sugawara pretended not to notice but couldn’t help worry about Y/N. 

_ What’s with her? _ Suga thought to himself. The rest of the bus stayed relatively quiet for the rest of the ride, everyone thinking about the same thing. No one wanted to say the wrong thing to upset their new friend so they just put it aside for the time being.

~ Time skip ~

The fresh air and warm summer breeze calmed Y/N as she hopped off the bus. She was still tired, but she ignored it as best as she could. She stood off to the side for a moment to take some deep breaths of air.

“YOU HAVE ANOTHER MANAGER ON YOUR TEAM?” Y/N heard a few new voices yell. Turning around, she saw a team in all red and black, led by a tall rooster-haired boy standing next to a smaller boy playing games on his phone who had grown out blond hair. 

“Nekoma,” Kiyoko whispered to Y/N. “Good luck with the one who looks like Tanaka. He’s like Tanaka and Nishinoya combined.” Y/N laughed at the comment, easing the tension in her shoulders. 

“Hi guys, I’m F/N L/N but you can call me Y/N,” Y/N said to the group with a big smile.  _ First impressions count the most. Just act and look normal, _ Y/N said to herself. The Nekoma team introduced themselves, starting with the two in the front.

“I’m Kuroo Tetsuro, a pleasure to meet you,” Kuroo said with a sly smirk. Y/N rolled her eyes, earning a laugh from the rest of the boys. 

“Kenma Kozume,” Kenma said simply and quietly, returning back to his game. 

“Nice to meet you, Kenma. What game is that?” Y/N asked, motioning to his PSP controller. Shocked at the question, it took a second for him to respond.

“Metal Gear.”

“Oh nice, I haven’t played that game in a while. What rank are you? I think I stopped on 3 stars.”

“Oh u-uh, 4 stars,” Kenma responded, now taking an interest in the H/C haired Karasuno manager who actually knew about his favorite game. Y/N smiled with an impressed look on her face, knowing that 4 stars was the highest rank. She could never beat that level. She turned her attention to the rest of the boys and continued on with learning all the other guys’ names.  _ Kai, Yuku, Yamamoto, Fukunaga, Inuoka, Teshiro, Lev, and Shibayama, _ Y/N repeated over in her head, trying to memorize faces to names. 

“Nice to meet you all,” Y/N said once the last had introduced himself. She waved goodbye to both teams as Kiyoko called her and Yachi over into the gym to meet the other managers and go over some more details about their games. “Coming, Kiyoko!” Y/N called out with a smile! She picked up her pace and heard the familiar sounds of volleyballs smacking the floor get louder.

“HEY, HEY HEYYYY!” 

Y/N stopped walking. Her face fell and she started to find it hard to breathe. She couldn’t move. “Hey Y/N, are you coming?” Yachi asked from a few steps ahead of her. Clearing her throat, Y/N shook her head to clear it and looked up at her kouhai.

“Yeah. Yeah. Coming.” As they walked into the gym, her eyes were immediately drawn to the energetic owl-looking boy. His energy and actions reminded Y/N so much of B/N. They were practically identical. Y/N quickly snapped out of it and finished the tasks Kiyoko gave her but didn’t actually pay attention to what she was doing. All she could think about was that boy.


	14. Familiar

Within a few minutes, the rest of the Karasuno team filed in and the first team they were up against was Fukurodani. The one with the wing spiker who looked like an owl and acted exactly like B/N. The dynamic with Karasuno was off not only because of Hinata and Kageyama’s troubling connection, but also because of all the new things they were trying out. As Y/N kept note of all the stats throughout the game, she couldn’t help but stare at Fukurodani’s wing spiker and captain.   
“Yes! Akaashi!!” he yelled while pumping his fist into the air, running over to his quieter setter and friend.   
He even sounds the same. What the hell? Y/N thought to herself, writing down the missed dig on the stats sheet. Looking back up, she made eye contact with the boy. She quickly averted her eyes to his dismay. Y/N suddenly found her pen extremely interesting as she stayed lost in her thoughts. She wasn’t smiling as much today after what had happened on the bus, and all the boys from Karasuno had also noticed it. Sighing, she looked up to find Sugawara looking at her with a softer look than normal. She ignored it and flashed him a big smile, remembering to keep her walls up and look normal even if she wasn’t feeling it. What even is normal anymore? Y/N asked herself. I don’t even know. Just smile.   
But Suga knew Y/N well enough at this point to know the difference between her smiles. The ones she was giving today were minimal and didn’t reach her eyes. Compared to how genuine she was with her cousin Iwaizumi, I can’t believe she thinks I can’t tell, Sugawara thought to himself as he looked at Y/N. The last whistle blew, calling the game to an end. Karasuno lost 12-25 and the team started to change their shoes to go outside to do their penalty.   
“I’ll refill the water bottles, Kiyoko,” Y/N said while reaching over the bench to grab the trays.   
“Mm. Thanks,” Kiyoko replied with a small smile. “Yachi, can you come here for a sec? I wanted to talk to you about the stats sheet.” The young blonde haired girl nodded and jogged over to her. Y/N tried to multitask and save time by unscrewing the caps to each water bottle before she got to the station. She failed to see the gray and black haired captain and the mysterious but gentle boy next to him before bumping into him. Luckily, only one bottle fell out.   
“I’m so sorry, I didn’t look where I was go-” Y/N chuckled, looking up after grabbing the stray bottle. “-ing. B/N?” Y/N whispered. The smile from Y/N’s face fell and she started to slightly panic as she met the golden eyes of the boy she had been actively avoiding.   
“Uh, who’s that? Wait, you’re the new manager for Karasuno, right? I’m Bokuto Koutarou,” Bokuto said proudly. “Akaashi, it’s the pretty girl from before!” he whisper-yelled, unintentionally loud enough for Y/N to hear. If it weren’t for the slight roaring in Y/N’s ears, she would have blushed at the comment. “This is Akaashi Keiji, the best setter out there, he-”  
“Sorry about that. N-Nice to meet you two. I-I have to go. Sorry,” Y/N blurted, cutting Bokuto off. She sprinted towards the station, needing to get out. Did I just call him B/N? Why does he remind me so much of him? Is it his voice? His personality? All these thoughts were running through Y/N’s head as she got to the tap and turned it on, placing the first bottle under. Behind her, the pouty Bokuto kept asking Akaashi what he had done.   
“I don’t know, Bokuto. Didn’t seem like you did anything wrong to me,” Akaashi admitted.  
“Then why did Y/N away like that? She always looked so happy with the Karasuno team,” Bokuto whined. “I want to be friends with her but I can’t if she doesn’t like me.”  
“Maybe try talking to her later,” Akaashi suggested. He pulled Bokuto towards the gym to get away from the heat, trying to distract him from thinking too much about the mysterious girl. “If you want, we can go ask one of her teammates to find out why she was like that, okay?” Akaashi offered, really just trying to prevent another Bokuto-emo mode so early in the day. He nodded sullenly.   
Y/N had finished filling the last water bottle and quickly scrubbed her face with the cold water. Nevermind that. Just- pretend it didn’t happen, Y/N said to herself, regaining her composure. She ran back to the side entrance to the gym where the boys had just finished their sprints. “Sorry guys, here are the waters,” Y/N said, handing one out to each teammate with a smile. 

~ Time skip ~

Y/N stood by the lit gym entrance, watching (and feeling bad for) her team who had managed to lose every single game and therefore had to do the same sprinting penalty every time. “It’s okay guys,” Y/N said encouragingly. “You guys are evidently changing and it’s only gonna be a matter of time before everything starts to click. So don’t get too down on yourselves, ‘kay?” The boys nodded with little enthusiasm. “There’s also dinner in the cafeteria ready for you,” Y/N added knowingly. At this the boys perked up, earning a laugh from Y/N. “I’m leaving the water bottle tray here, so just put them in when you’re done with your extra practice. I’m off for now, though!” Y/N said with a wave. The boys excitedly said bye, getting pumped up to fuel their bodies after a long day. Y/N, however, already ate with the other managers and wanted to sneak off for her own practice and alone time. So she grabbed a water bottle and towel for herself and ran to gym 3.  
Seeing Y/N run off, Suga went to go follow her to talk about what happened earlier on the bus, but got cut off by Akaashi and Bokuto who he recognized from Fukurodani. “Uh, hey…?” Suga said to the boys, wondering why they were talking to him.  
“It’s about Y/N,” Akaashi began to explain with a frustrated tone. At first he couldn’t help but feel panicked at the sound of something possibly being wrong with Y/N but looking at the sad boy next to him, Suga didn’t have to connect the dots too far to know that it had to do with the ace.


	15. New Face

“Has she said anything about not liking anyone, specifically Bokuto?” Akaashi reluctantly asked Sugawara, who couldn’t help but laugh at the question. 

“What? As far as I know, Y/N doesn’t not like anyone,” Suga responded with a smile. “But why do you ask? Did something happen?”

“See Akaashi, if she doesn’t not like anyone, I must’ve done something for her to not like me!” Bokuto exclaimed, taking Sugawara’s comment personally. With a sigh, Akaashi told Suga what had happened earlier that day. Them bumping into her, her acting all weird when she looked at Bokuto, calling him B/N then running off-

“Wait, B/N?” Sugawara asked, cutting Akaashi off. 

“Yeah. It was strange since that’s obviously not Bokuto’s name and she sort of said it out of the blue,” he replied. 

_ That was the name from earlier. The one Y/N was yelling in her sleep. _ Sugawara tried to think of connections between this unknown person and Y/N until he realized he should probably respond to the Fukurodani duo. “I’m sure it was a misunderstanding. Y/N is a really sweet girl and if you talk to her, she can probably explain. I think she was actually heading over to one of the empty gyms…” Sugawara told Akaashi. “I’d help you find her but I have to work on a new skill with my team. Good luck, though.”

“Thank you,” Akaashi and Bokuto said in unison. Bokuto had instantly perked up at the idea of being able to talk to the pretty yet mysterious girl again and find out exactly why she didn’t like him. Akaashi was just grateful something useful came out of the conversation with the Karasuno setter. 

Meanwhile, during Akaashi’s talk with Sugawara, Y/N had found gym 3 empty and started her own practice. Swinging her arms, Y/N jumped up and swung, slamming the ball right to the setter position on the other side of the net.  _ Serve number 32, _ Y/N mentally noted to herself. Her goal was to reach 50 before moving on. She picked up another ball at her feet, preparing to toss the ball up before getting startled by a knock at the door. Y/N turned to the door and found Kuroo from Nekoma standing in the doorway, eyebrows raised. 

“Didn’t know you played,” he said, walking in smoothly. “Mind if I join?” 

_ Yes. _ “No,” Y/N responded with a small smile. 

“What position?”

“All around but mainly wing spiker.”

“Want to set me some tosses so I can hit?” Kuroo asked, not passing up the chance to 1. spend more time with the pretty Karasuno manager and 2. get some actual practice in. Though Y/N was a little bothered that she couldn’t finish her 18 serves, she figured some setting practice wouldn’t hurt anyone. 

~ Tiny time skip ~

After a little while of setting the Nekoma middle blocker and getting to know him through small talk, Y/N found him to be rather enjoyable to be around. His bad flirting and snarky comments reminded Y/N of Oikawa, causing her to feel more comfortable around the familiar energy. Right as the ball landed into and got pushed out of Y/N’s hands, she watched Kuroo jump up to swing the ball down, right in front of where a normal passer would be. “Nice kill,” Y/N congratulated Kuroo with a high five before being interrupted by a knock on the door. They turned, and Y/N’s breath hitched. Akaashi and Bokuto were standing in the doorway, both looking a little disheveled. 

“Here you are!” Bokuto panted, slightly out of breath. “We were looking for you everywhere.” Y/N looked up to Kuroo standing beside her and expected him to respond. Only, they made eye contact since he did the same thing. 

_ Why would they be looking for me, _ their glances seemed to say to each other. Chuckling at the synchronized motions, Y/N and Kuroo looked towards the owls in the doorway for some clarification. 

“WHY DO YOU HATE ME, Y/N?” Bokuto shouted at the girl. Y/N’s mouth dropped and her eyebrows furrowed. 

“I..hate you?” Y/N asked, confused. “Uh, no I don’t. Why would I hate you?” Bokuto’s frown turned upside down in an instant and he ran to pick Y/N up and give her a bone-crushing hug. Y/N wasn’t prepared for the sudden action and tensed up in Bokuto’s arms. Her eyes flashed with the vision of her brother hugging her the same way. After she had graduated elementary school. After she made it onto the school volleyball team. She realized how much she had missed being hugged like this. But it wasn’t B/N, she reminded herself. Thankfully, Kuroo could see her obvious discomfort and pulled Bokuto away, making him drop her. 

“Chill, dude.” Y/N fixed her shirt and flashed Kuroo a thankful smile. 

“AKAASHI DID YOU HEAR THAT? Y/N SAID SHE DOESN’T HATE ME!” Bokuto gushed to his teammate who was now standing closer to them. He nodded. 

“Sorry about him,” Akaashi apologized to the H/C haired girl. “He just thought that you hated him because of how you ran off earlier.”

_ What? I guess I did seem a little rude, _ Y/N thought to herself. “Oh yeah, that. Sorry. I was just in a rush.” Y/N smiled. “But I don’t hate you, Bokuto. I promise.” Though Y/N was being honest, Bokuto’s too-familiar energy still made Y/N’s stomach feel weird. He was almost exactly like B/N…  _ but he wasn’t. B/N is gone now, _ Y/N harshly reminded herself. Shaking the negativity from her head, she turned to the rest of the boys with a large smile. “How about we do some hitting and blocking practice?” If Y/N was honest, as weird as it made her feel, something in her wanted Bokuto to be around more often. Even if he wasn’t B/N, she was drawn to the nostalgic feeling. So if that meant she had to choke down her exhaustion and suck it up, she would.

“Sounds good!”


	16. Confession

That night and for the few nights following, Y/N was only able to get in 2 hours of sleep if not less. Every night she’d wake up from the same nightmare over and over again panting and sweating. Her dull, sunken eyes and exhaustion filled smiles didn’t go unnoticed, especially by Suga and her new close friends she made from extra practice. They never said anything directly, but could see and feel Y/N drifting further away everyday. More yawns and darker under eyes. Kuroo and Akaashi specifically could tell it took Y/N more energy to jump as high as she normally did everytime. The first day of practice they were shocked at her ability to keep up with them, but now they expected it from her. She of course always lied with a smile when they asked if she was okay and acted as if nothing was wrong, ushering them to go back to worrying about their own blocks, sets, and hits. The worried glances her friends exchanged were ignored every time. 

At night she learned to sleep closest to the door in the manager’s room so she could sneak out without waking anyone. It was a routine to go to the same cherry blossom tree every night to just sit with her head on her knees and arms wrapped around her legs in the cool summer air under the sun. There was no way for her to go back to sleep so she prayed she wouldn’t get caught. 

Two nights before the last day of the training camp, Y/N quietly opened and closed the back door to the sleeping dorms. This time Y/N stopped by the bathroom to splash her face with cold water before going out. She turned to walk towards her bench, not expecting to see a figure sitting in her usual spot. 

“AH!” Y/N clamped a hand over her mouth, trying not to be too loud. She was worried her pounding heart would wake up every single person in the building. Sugawara turned to face her, slightly sad eyes illuminated by the moon. 

“What are you  _ doing _ out here?!” Y/N whisper-yelled, hitting her friend on the arm. She sat down next to him.

“I’m here to ask you the same thing,” he retorted back. 

“I-” Y/N paused briefly, trying to quickly think of an excuse. “I was jus-”

“Don’t lie to me.” Minutes passed without Y/N saying anything. Sugawara wanted to give her the space to figure things out on her own but didn’t want her to close herself off from the people around her who loved her. He could see something was eating away at her, he just didn’t know what it was. “I know you’ve been coming out here every night.” Y/N sighed. She didn’t know what to say. Was she ready to tell someone else about it? She didn’t know that either. “Y/N I don’t want to force you to tell me but I  _ know _ something is wrong. You refuse to tell anyone about it or even acknowledge anyone’s concern. How am I supposed to sit back and see you getting worse and worse everyday?”

“I’m sorry,” was all that Y/N could get out. She didn’t have the energy to lie anymore. She felt horrible that she made her friends worry about her. “I-I just can’t,” Y/N admitted. She leaned forward, holding her head in her hands, and released a defeated sigh. “I can’t tell you. It’s not that I don’t want to, but I just don’t know how. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t function. I don’t trust myself to say it out loud. I feel like I’ve been standing on a landmine and I’m too afraid to move because I don’t know what will happen.” Y/N’s voice wavered as the first few drops of tears fell onto the cherry blossom petals on the ground. She sobbed silently for the next couple of minutes, releasing the tears that had been building up for a while now. Suga didn’t know how to comfort his friend since he’d never seen her vulnerable side before so he just stayed next to her. 

“B/N. He was my brother,” Y/N quietly whispered. Sugawara instantly picked up on the  _ was _ . Y/N continued. “He was more than that. He was my best friend. The light in my life. He taught me volleyball. He was there for me through everything,” Y/N confessed, voice breaking. “And I wasn’t there for him.” There. She said it. She said what had been eating away at her day by day, keeping her up at night. 

“What do you mean?” Sugawara asked carefully. He knew he wouldn’t like the answer no matter what it was. But he definitely didn’t expect the one that came out of Y/N’s mouth next.

“He killed himself. With pills.” Sugawara strained to hear the bare whisper that left Y/N’s mouth but still, his breathing paused. “I was the one who found him. In our bathroom.”

“Y/N,” Sugawara started, not knowing what else he could say. He was genuinely shocked. How could Y/N have gone through all of that and not show it? She was always smiling and laughing in every memory he had of her. Had she really been going through all of this alone? 

“The nightmares. The ones I have every time I try to sleep. It’s the moment I found him, replaying over and over and over. I can’t escape it at night and I’ve been starting to have random panic attacks again” Y/N choked out.

“So you haven’t been getting a proper night’s rest at all?” Sugawara asked incredulously. Y/N shook her head. Sugawara’s eyebrows furrowed at the thought of his best friend barely being able to relax. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how tired she must be.

“The other day,” Y/N started, bringing Suga out of his train of thought. “When I called Bokuto B/N. Everything he does just reminds me of him. Even their voices are practically identical and everytime I see Bokuto I just see my brother. It’s weird, I know, and my mind keeps trying to push him away but I can’t.” Y/N sighed a deep breath. Straightening her back, she rubbed her face. “Oh, God. Sorry, Sugawara. This was probably a lot. I don’t know why I just told you everything like that, I just forget I ever sai-” Y/N got cut off by Sugawara who pulled her in for a hug. Y/N stiffened at the sudden motion but relented and gave in to the warmth of Suga’s body. He didn’t know what to say to the girl who he held in his arms who had been there for him through everything. What  _ could _ he even say? 

The two sat under the moonlight for a few minutes before Y/N started trembling. She couldn’t stop herself from crying even though she knew she would be mortified at it later. After what seemed to be about half an hour, Y/N’s breathing evened out again and her breathing finally calmed. Sugawara went to ask her if she wanted to go back inside but as he tried lightly nudging her, her head started to slip from his shoulder. Not wanting to wake Y/N up from the rare moment of rest she could get, Suga swiftly adjusted her so she was leaning on his shoulder. Sugawara sat staring at the girl. He couldn’t process everything she had just revealed.

_ How could Y/N, the girl I fell in love with who always had a smile on her face that lit up the room have gone through all of that? More importantly, why didn’t she ever tell anyone? _


	17. Surprise

Iwaizumi paced around the gym, unable to focus on his morning practice. Every few minutes he checked his phone, debating on calling Y/N.  _ She probably knows, right? Is she okay? She’s probably okay. But what if she’s not? What if she- _ Iwaizumi violently shook his head at the loud thoughts running through his mind. The first years on the Seijoh Boys Volleyball team could tell the gym was a little more tense today than usual. Even Kyoutani was unusually quiet. 

“Hey,” Oikawa said to his worried best friend with a light pat on the back. “She’ll be fine. She’s Y/N.” As much as Iwaizumi wanted to believe his friend’s hopeful words, something in him still couldn’t help but worry. 

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re probably right.” Iwaizumi’s tone gave away what he was really feeling. “I’ll just call her later to make sure.”

Back at Saitama, Y/N woke up with the sun blaring in her eyes and a pounding headache. “Ugh,” Y/N groaned, struggling to up from her oddly tucked in blanket.  _ Wait, what? _ Looking around her, she saw the other managers were just starting to wake up as well. As she headed to the bathroom to get ready for the day, the moment of realization hit her as she remembered what had happened earlier that morning. Or at least what she could. Y/N mortifyingly recalled explaining everything to Sugawara and crying her eyes out to him.  _ God, you’re so embarrassing, _ Y/N scolded herself while washing her face.  _ But what happened after that? I only remember he hugged me, and- Oh my God. Did I fall asleep on him? And did he carry me back to my room?! _ Y/N asked herself rhetorically. She groaned loudly, hoping that wasn’t the case, earning a squeal from Yachi who had also walked in. 

“Sorry,” Y/N apologized with a chuckle. 

“I-It’s okay,” Yachi responded, yawning. Though she was embarrassed of her actions and that he had actually brought her in, Y/N couldn’t help but feel more refreshed than she had in days. Even though they were only a few hours, her nightmare didn’t appear and she actually got some normal rest in. If it were anyone else, they would have been tired at the little amount of time but to Y/N, it was a gift. 

_ A gift I have to thank Sugawara for ASAP. Wait, if he brought me in and was out there, did he even get any sleep?  _ Y/N’s refreshed gratefulness quickly turned into frustration. She mentally scolded herself from stealing away her kind friend’s own precious sleep as she walked to the cafeteria for breakfast. She instantly saw the silver-haired boy who was standing towards the back of the line. Yawning. She beelined for Sugawara and lightly hit his back, causing him to jump. 

“Ow, what was that for?” Suga whined, turning to see who had hit him. His slight frown instantly flipped into a big smile as he saw Y/N standing in front of him with a refreshed look. The few hours of uninterrupted sleep didn’t magically make her dark circles go away nor make her exhaustion disappear. But seeing the small smile on Y/N’s face, Sugawara could tell she was definitely feeling better. Before he could say anything, Y/N pulled him in for a hug. Suga, being the still immature and nervous teenage boy he is, started blushing furiously. Y/N felt his pace quicken and pulled back, also realizing that almost everyone in the cafeteria had their eyes on the odd pair. 

“Oh shit, sorry,” Y/N laughed. “Just, thanks. For everything.” She patted his arm but before turning around to grab her own tray, she pushed onto her tippy-toes and whispered in Suga’s ear: “But mention anything from last night to anyone else and I’ll make you wish you didn’t come out. ‘Kay?” She didn’t have to tell Sugawara twice. He nodded wide-eyed, now slightly scared of his friend’s small threat. But his happiness overrode it quickly, feeling glad that his friend was feeling better and because of him. As he grabbed his breakfast and walked over to the rest of the Karasuno team, Sugawara quickly hit Asahi’s head to try and wipe the grin off his face. Daichi also playfully nudged Suga, earning an exasperated but content sigh. The rest of the team (Noya and Tanaka specifically) was still shocked by the earlier interaction, each one silently 1. wanting to know what happened and 2. wishing it was them instead who got a hug from their pretty manager. 

As Y/N got her breakfast and headed over to her team’s table, she was intercepted by Yukie, the Fukurodani manager. “Hey Yukie, what’s up?” Y/N asked. She looked at what her friend was holding out to her. 

“Your phone has been going off all morning. I figured it was fine but it kept ringing. Seems urgent.” Y/N’s eyebrows furrowed. Who could be calling her and why?

“Oh, thanks. Sorry for the hassle,” Y/N quickly said to Yukie. 

“No worries.” As Yukie walked off, Y/N couldn’t stop herself from feeling like something was wrong. 

_ It’s probably nothing, _ Y/N tried to assure herself. “Hello?”

“Y/N! How are you, is everything okay?” Y/N heard Iwaizumi ask over the phone. He sounded...out of breath?

“Hey Iwa. Yeah, why wouldn’t it be? Is something wrong?” Y/N asked unknowingly. “Sorry I didn’t pick up, I’m at the training camp, remember?” 

“You-” Iwaizumi cut himself off, confused by Y/N’s calm reaction. 

“I what?” Y/N asked impatiently. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s the 4th.” Y/N’s heart dropped.


	18. The 4th

Everyone looked up to see where the loud crash had come from. Y/N didn’t realize she had dropped her tray of food. She didn’t notice everyone staring at her. She couldn’t focus on anything. “W-What?” Y/N whispered into her phone, not knowing if she heard her cousin correctly. Her hands started to shake. She pulled her phone from her ear to check the date.  _ 8:54 AM. May 4, 2020. _ How could she have forgotten? How was it already the 4th? She was so distracted this week and especially last night that she hadn’t realized it was already the anniversary of her brother’s suicide. Y/N started to hyperventilate and her legs gave out under her. 

“Y/N? Y/N are you still there? Y/N!” Y/N could make out her cousin yelling faintly over the roaring in her ears. Y/N fell, blinking on the floor, unable to focus on anything, body trembling and breathing shallow. Her throat started to close. Too many thoughts were crowding her head. 

“Y/N. Y/N, look at me.  _ Look at me, _ ” Kuroo said, grabbing her arms. The Nekoma team was sitting the closest to the corner Y/N was in, making them the first ones able to get to her. Y/N brought her eyes to the tall black-haired boy in front of her but couldn’t make out who it was. 

“Move,  _ move _ !” Suga said, pushing his way through the crowd that had formed. “Y/N? Y/N, hey. Hey, it’s me.” 

“Please don’t crowd her,” Akaashi said to the rest of the boys who didn’t know Y/N as well. He tried pushing them away with his arm. Everything was too loud and hectic. Y/N couldn’t move. 

“Y/N? Are you okay, Y/N?” Y/N snapped up at the too familiar voice that snapped her back to reality, eyes wide. 

“B/N,” Y/N whispered.  _ No. B/N’s dead. _ Suga looked up at Bokuto. He remembered what she said to him under the cherry blossom tree.  _ “Even their voices are practically identical and everytime I see Bokuto I just see my brother.” _ Y/N was going to be sick. Head spinning, she pushed Suga and Kuroo off, trying to sprint to the nearest bathroom. Y/N tripped on her way out but quickly got up, trying to hold in her sobs. All the teams stared as she ran out, followed by Kiyoko and Yachi, who was also trying not to cry. Suga, Kuroo, Akaashi, and Bokuto ran out of the cafeteria to follow them. Before getting up though, Sugawara reached for the phone Y/N had dropped. 

“Y/N! Hello? Y/N!” Sugawara frantically heard from the other end of the line. Iwaizumi.

“Hello? This is Sugawara-” Iwaizumi cut off the third year setter.

“Where’s Y/N? What happened?” 

“Y/N has just run off to the bathroom. I think she’s sick,” Sugawara replied breathlessly. He saw the edge of Kuroo’s red jacket turn the corner. “What happened?”

“I- It’s-” Iwaizumi struggled to start to explain to Sugawara. Where was he supposed to start?

“I know about her brother,” Sugawara replied frantically. He was almost to the bathroom.  
Relieved to have some sort of starting point, Iwaizumi didn’t waste time. “Today marks the first full year since he died.” Sugawara’s breath caught. 

“Shit.” He made it to the bathroom but saw the rest of the boys waiting outside, faces drawn with worry, and arms crossed. Sugawara was close enough to hear the retching noises coming from the girl’s bathroom. Every boy waiting outside cringed at the sound. Iwaizumi sighed over the phone.

“I can’t come over there right now. It’s too far and I can’t leave practice. Just-just tell her to call me ASAP,” Iwaizumi asked Suga. 

“Okay. I will,” he replied, going to turn Y/N’s phone off. 

“And-” Sugawara pulled the phone back up to his ear. 

“Yes?” 

“Don’t leave her by herself,” Iwaizumi sighed. “Please just- take care of her for me.” His voice slightly broke.

“Got it,” Suga replied assuringly. He ended the call with a sigh, looking up at the 4 other boys. He couldn’t remember when Daichi had gotten there. They turned to Sugawara, looking for an explanation. The sounds of Y/N’s choked sobs could still be heard even though they knew she was trying to muffle them. Sugawara knew he had to tell them. What else could he do?  _ Sorry, Y/N,  _ Suga mentally apologized in his head, remembering what she had said not to do less than an hour before.  _ I don’t have any other choice. _


	19. Release

What?!” Kuroo and Bokuto exclaimed in unison. 

"Shit," Kuroo whispered.  Daichi and Akaashi stood there silently, trying to process everything Sugawara had just revealed. None of them could believe what they had heard. They couldn’t believe their bright, smiling Y/N had been going through all of that.

“I didn’t know until yesterday either,” Sugawara admitted with a defeated sigh. “I didn’t know it was the anniversary today, though. I found that out just now too.” The boys stayed silent.

“So that’s why she was so tired all the time,” Akaashi noted more to himself than to anyone else. Suga nodded. The boys couldn’t seem to figure out why she never told anyone, though. They didn’t have time to ponder too long on it since they got cut off by a piercing scream from inside the bathroom. Rushing to the door, Daichi half knocked half pounded on the door. 

“Yachi?” he called, recognizing their younger manager’s scream. The sounds of running footsteps got louder as the small blonde-haired girl shakily opened the door. Y/N’s friends looked over Yachi and saw Y/N on the ground, unconscious. They rushed in, asking Kiyoko what had happened. 

“She just fainted. After she threw up she was crying and I don’t think she was able to get in enough air,” Kiyoko said, obviously stressed. 

“It’s okay, Kiyoko,” Daichi reassuringly replied. “Thank you. Do you mind going back to the cafeteria to tell Coach and the rest of the teams? Just tell them Y/N is sick. We got it from here.” The raven-haired manager nodded, pulling Yachi along with her.

(Backwards time skip to what Y/N was doing in the bathroom)

Y/N slammed open the door to the closest stall, nearly missing the toilet bowl. Her headache had only gotten worse and the tears started to flow. She knew they wouldn’t stop. Y/N’s stomach quickly emptied itself since she hadn’t eaten anything in a while. After a few lurches, she was just dry-heaving. Y/N clutched her stomach with one arm, draping her other over the toilet seat. She relished in the cool porcelain, trying to focus on it and ground herself. After a few seconds of not sensing another urge, she pulled in her knees, sitting back against the stall wall. 

_How could I forget? I didn’t even realize. One year? Already? How am I even here after one year?_ _How have I survived one year without you?_ Y/N tried to stop the sobs that were rising from her throat. _I miss you,_ Y/N said to her brother. _If you’re out there somewhere watching over me and can hear me, I miss you, B/N._ The sobs pushed themselves out, making it harder for Y/N to breathe. After a few moments, she heard the door open and more footsteps approaching outside.

“Y/N? Are you alright?” She knew it was Kiyoko and Yachi that had walked in. Kiyoko wasn’t one for physical affection but she pulled her friend in to comfort her and be a shoulder to cry on. Y/N didn’t have the energy to resist since her breathing was still uneven. She was shaking uncontrollably in Kiyoko’s arms. Y/N started to feel lightheaded. Her sobbing and hyperventilation were competing for control over her breathing, making it hard for Y/N to actually get in enough air. As her vision started to blur and fade into black, she couldn’t help but feel a little relieved. 

_ Is this the end? It’d be a mercy for my pain to be ended, _ Y/N thought to herself.  _ Maybe I’ll finally be able to see B/N again. _

She gave into the darkness.

Let it consume her.

A faint, high pitched scream was the last thing Y/N heard before everything went black. Bokuto automatically picked Y/N up in his arms, carrying her outside. Daichi and Kuroo had decided to go back to their teams since they had to be there for their practice matches as captains. Bokuto refused to go back and Akaashi figured it wouldn’t be worth trying to drag him if he didn’t want to. After following Suga back to the Karasuno room, Bokuto waited for Suga to pull out his futon for Y/N while Akaashi opened the windows, trying to let in as much air as possible. The weak girl in Bokuto’s arms stirred slightly as he laid her down into the blankets. In her sleep, Y/N couldn’t try to hide behind a smile. The boys sadly looked at the quiet girl who had become one of their closest friends. They tried not to focus too much on the obviously drained and fatigued look her face had settled into. 

“You guys can head back. You two need to be there for your team,” Sugawara said quietly to Bokuto and Akaashi. “I’ll watch over her for now until you guys are done with your match.” Akaashi knew he was right but Bokuto still stared at the girl with a pout. 

“We’ll be back later,” Akaashi responded quietly, nudging his best friend and captain towards the door. Suga nodded as they left. Though he wanted it to be darker for Y/N, he also didn’t want to close the windows that brought in the warm summer breeze and the morning sunlight wasn’t too bad. Finally having some time to himself, his own tiredness caught up to him as he leaned his back against the wall. He rubbed his face and ran his fingers through his hair. Rubbing the sleepiness out of his eyes, he studied the girl sleeping in his futon. Not only was Y/N one of his best friends, but Suga realized his feelings for her were a lot more than that. Though it pained him to see her like that, the silver-haired boy knew it wasn’t the time for him to mention his feelings. It wouldn’t be for a while. He knew Y/N needed time to heal and adding more pressure would do more harm than good. So he shook the thoughts from his head and went downstairs to find some medicine for her headache. It wasn’t long before he found some in liquid form to take upstairs for Y/N. He didn’t know how she did with pills considering what had happened with her brother so he just took the safe route. 

~ Short time skip ~

It had been about an hour when Suga was woken up by a light knocking on the door. Y/N was still knocked out and hadn’t been able to take the medicine he brought up for her. He too had drifted off to sleep but only for a few minutes. He stood up softly and went to open the door. Akaashi stood by the door, holding an insulated bottle of some warm drink. 

“Our team is off right now. Oh and this is tea I stole from the kitchen,” he explained. With a smile, Sugawara let in the Fukurodani setter. “You should go back to your team now too. Give them an update on her.” Sugawara knew he was right. After a moment, he nodded.

“She hasn’t woken up yet. There’s liquid medicine and water on the table. Make sure she takes it if she wakes up.” It was Akaashi’s turn to nod. Suga reluctantly left the room, trying to prepare what to say to the rest of the team. Tomorrow was the last day of the training camp, but all Suga could focus on was hoping that Y/N felt better soon.


	20. Company

Y/N’s eyes fluttered open to the sound of light classical music. She could instantly recognize the futon from the smell. Wait. Why was she in Suga’s futon? Y/N sat up too quickly, causing her the room to spin.

“You’re up,” Akaashi said, stating the obvious. “Don’t stand up yet. Wait.” Y/N followed directions (though she didn’t really have any other choice because of the condition of her head) and watched as her friend passed her a small cup of dark purple medicine in one hand with a larger cup of warm tea in the other. 

“I’m not a kid,” Y/N said with a small laugh, staring down at the dark liquid. Indeed it was pretty universally known that liquid medicines were for younger children who couldn’t swallow pills.

“Never said you were,” Akaashi remarked. “Plus. It wasn’t my idea. I’m just the messenger.” With that comment, Y/N knew who had prepared it. She didn’t have the energy to protest so she just swallowed the contents of the small cup and followed it with the warm tea.

“Mm,” Y/N said, sipping more of the tea. She could feel the warmth through her body. “Earl Grey. My favorite.” Akaashi smiled at the girl, glad he made the right guess. “Thank you.” He nodded, taking back the cup as Y/N went to the window to take in more fresh air. “How long has it been?”

“Around 2 hours,” Akaashi responded, looking at the clock. “Karasuno’s played two matches so far.” Y/N smiled weakly, wondering how Akaashi knew she was about to ask that question. She didn’t have to ask to figure out that they were probably taking turns watching her. Then she  _ really _ felt like a kid. Pushing away the annoyance, she turned back to the window, taking a few deep breaths of air. The sounds of summer blending in with the soft classical music Akaashi had put on relaxed her. When was the last time she was able to relax freely like this? If it weren’t for the pounding in her temples, it would’ve been perfect. She felt a warmer, taller presence appear at her side. Akaashi and Y/N sat by the open window in comfortable silence. That was one of the things she liked most about Akaashi. He didn’t need to always be saying something. He knew just as well as she did that sometimes silence isn’t something to fear. “About your brother,” Akaashi started, interrupting the silence. “I’m so-”

“Don’t apologize.” Y/N didn’t want word getting around of her brother for this exact reason. Empty apologies from people that didn’t even know him. As if their apologies could’ve done something. As if they could bring him back. “There’s nothing you could’ve done, so there’s nothing for you to be sorry for.” The bluntness in Y/N’s response told Akaashi that that’d been a line she was used to saying. Akaashi paused.

“Do you feel sorry?” Y/N turned to look at the emerald-eyed boy. “I mean, do you feel like there was something you could’ve done?” Knowing Akaashi, she knew he was genuine in his questioning, so Y/N took a moment to reflect. No one had asked her that before so she actually had to think about her answer, though deep down she already knew it.

“Of course. There are a million different things I feel like I could’ve done differently that could’ve maybe prevented it,” Y/N confessed honestly. “I blame myself for it everyday.”

“Why? I mean it’s natural that you would feel inclined to, but have you ever wondered why?” Akaashi turned to Y/N.

Sighing, Y/N responded, “No. But I guess it gives me a reason to feel upset at someone, even if it’s myself.” Y/N couldn’t even believe she was telling all of this to her recently new friend. 

“But you shouldn’t live in this guilt that eats you up from the inside out. It’s not your fault.” Looking up at Akaashi, Y/N could see that he really meant what he said. The words that she had wanted to hear but never did. The words opposite to what she had been telling herself for the past year. Y/N didn’t know what to say. Turning, Y/N pulled Akaashi in for a hug. His lean muscles were hidden by the fact that he always looked puny in comparison to Bokuto who always stood next to him, Y/N noted.

“Thank you,” Y/N mumbled into his chest. Akaashi tried to calm his pounding heart, hoping she couldn’t hear the thunderous beat. His only response was a light squeeze back. He hoped the pink tint on his ears wasn’t too obvious as she pulled back from the hug. Seeing her with the smile he remembered from the first day he saw her didn’t help. Yet he couldn’t help but smile back. She turned back to the window, this time choosing to sit in front of it instead of stand, placing her head on her knees and hugging her arms under her legs. Akaashi silently sat down next to her. Y/N let out a big sigh, her mind obviously in a faraway place. “One whole year,” she whispered to no one in particular. 


	21. Lunch

After Y/N had fallen back asleep, Akaashi’s cleaning was interrupted by a knock and a faint smell of food. He glanced at the clock, noting that the hour after their talk had gone by quickly. Y/N had asked him to stay, albeit Akaashi didn’t really have anything else to do. 

“Sorry, I don’t know. I think having someone else in the room helps me sleep,” Y/N had said to Akaashi a little sheepishly. “You don’t have to though, since you probably have matches you have to play in-”

“I can stay,” Akaashi quickly replied, cutting her off. As much as he wanted to play in his matches, he wanted Y/N to get as much sleep as she could more. He remembered the grateful smile she had given him when she went back to Suga’s futon as he got up to open the door. Y/N jolted awake the sound of what her brain subconsciously recognized as B/N’s voice.

She rubbed her eyes at the “Hey, hey, hey!” followed by the harsh shushing from the rest of Y/N’s friends. Kuroo lightly slapped the back of his owl friend’s head. 

“The whole reason we came here is because she’s supposed to be sleeping, you moron,” Kuroo scolded quietly. Bokuto sheepishly apologized while rubbing the sore spot on his head.

“It’s okay, I’m already up,” Y/N announced, appearing from behind Akaashi. Her eyes widened at the sight of Kuroo, Bokuto, Suga, and even Kenma waiting on the other side of the door. Before she could say anything, the smell of food reminded both Y/N and her stomach that she hadn’t eaten anything since the day before and it was especially empty from before. She looked around and saw all of her friends carrying their own lunch trays. Then to Bokuto and Suga who were each carrying two. Touched by the gesture, she smiled and looked up at her friends. “Let’s go outside.” 

~ Tiny time skip ~

The warm summer breeze paired with the quiet summer bird noises made an enjoyable spot for the group to eat their lunch at for their makeshift picnic. “I’m assuming you’re all here because you already know?” Y/N asked her friends, looking around at the circle they had made. It made Y/N feel uneasy that so many people suddenly knew about her past. Even if those people were her friends. They nodded.

“I-It’s my fault, Y/N,” Suga admitted. “I just didn’t know what to do since they were waiting outside the bathroom and-”

“It’s okay,” Y/N sighed, looking down at her food. Her mental state was still recovering from the episode earlier so she wasn’t able to cover up her obvious annoyance with a smile as well as she used to. “I mean it was only a matter of time since you guys found out.”  _ I just wish it wasn’t like that, _ Y/N silently added. No one knew what to say to fill the painfully awkward silence that followed.

“Oh Y/N, um, your cousin wanted me to tell you to call him earlier,” Suga remembered. “I never got the chance to tell you earlier.”

“Okay, thanks,” Y/N said, putting her food down and trying to ignore the lump in her throat. “I’ll be right back.” The boys nodded and smiled, trying to hide their uneasiness. The last time she called her cousin was this morning when he reminded her. Y/N walked towards the shade of the cherry blossom tree she sat at at night. With a deep breath, Y/N called Iwaizumi.

“Y/N? Oh thank God you’re okay,” Iwaizumi said with a sigh. “I was worried about you since that boy told me what happened earlier. 

“Hey,” Y/N replied, not knowing what to say. Though she had so many things running through her mind, she didn’t know if she could trust herself to say them. “Yeah. Sorry about that. I guess I was just really overwhelmed.” After a pause, she whispered, “How could I forget?” She ran her hand through her hair. Iwaizumi could tell she was asking herself that question more than to him. “I can’t believe it’s been one whole year.”

“Me neither.” Iwaizumi tried to push away the childhood memories of his best friend and cousin threatening to surface. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there, Coach was holding us back from practice and I couldn’t leave,” Iwa said apologetically. 

“It’s okay, Iwa. Don’t worry about it.” Looking up at her friends a few yards away, she realized just how grateful she was for them and for being so worried about her. If it weren’t for them being there for and with her today, Y/N couldn’t imagine what would’ve happened. After a few moments of silence over the phone, Iwaizumi asked the question he had wanted to ask for a while.

“Are you really okay, Y/N?” Y/N’s first instinct was to blurt out the response she had trained herself to give. To say yes; to lie. But she waited for a few moments, trying to find the right words for a real answer.

“I don’t know,” Y/N confessed, turning around so her friends couldn’t see the few tears that had escaped her eyes. After a couple more seconds, “No. You?”

“I don’t think I am either,” Iwaizumi quietly responded. “Do you ever wonder if-” Iwaizumi started, before cutting himself off. “Nevermin-”

“If he’s watching over us?” Y/N responded detachedly, finishing Iwaizumi’s sentence. 

“Yeah.” Iwaizumi thought the question would be stupid, but it was something they had both wanted to know, just never said out loud. 

“I ask myself that everyday.” Y/N tilted her head up to the sky. “It might be childish, but I like to think he is.” On the other side of Japan, Iwaizumi unknowingly did the same, standing outside of the Aoba Johsai gym.

“It’s not childish. I do too,” he admitted. As the two cousins stayed looking at the same sky, they both felt a sense of peace wash over them for a moment.

“We’ll get through this, right Iwa?” Y/N asked hesitantly. Though she meant it to say it as an encouragement, she couldn’t fully believe in it enough to confidently say it as one.

“Yeah. We will,” Iwaizumi said to the sky, though his words were laced with his own apprehensiveness. 

After a couple more minutes of talking and saying goodbye, Y/N finally walked back to all her friends who were talking about something random. All except Kenma, who had his head buried in his game.

“Guess I shouldn’t be surprised that you’re ranked at 4 stars,” Y/N quietly said over the quiet setter’s shoulder. She squatted down next to him to get a better look at his PSP. His gameplay was still impressive to her, now that she was able to see it up close. And Kenma’s slight jump was the only sign he gave, acknowledging her sudden presence. “I could never get past the final level to level up.” Sighing at the GAME OVER title screen, Kenma finally looked over to the girl. 

“Wanna play?” he asked, offering up his gameboy. “I can help.” 

“Really?” Y/N asked with a small smile. Kenma nodded. “Sure, why not.” Right after getting into the hang of it again, the bright red GAME OVER title screen popped up, earning a frustrated laugh from Y/N. 

“You fell right into the General’s trap,” Kenma noted, trying to suppress his own chuckle. “Rookie mistake.”

“Ugh, okay wait. Let me try again,” Y/N replied with a smile. Y/N continued to play a few more rounds with Kenma’s help and though she ended up losing every time, Y/N was laughing. Kuroo, Bokuto, Akaashi, and Suga all turned from their conversation and looked over at their friend who was finally starting to laugh again. Even though exhaustion still coated her face, the boys quickly picked up on the lack of dullness in her eyes. Watching Y/N, they couldn’t help but catch on to her contagious smile.


	22. Return

After cleaning up, Y/N decided to go back to the Karasuno team for the afternoon games, brushing off the opposition from her friends. “I can’t stay locked up in the room forever. Plus, I already got like-” Y/N quickly counted in her head. “-3ish hours of rest.” The boys didn’t look convinced. Anyone with a right mind would know 3 hours was not a lot at all.  _ Especially _ for someone like Y/N who definitely needed way more. “ _ Trust me, _ they were refreshing enough. I’m okay, really.” Y/N put on the best smile she could muster, pushing her friends towards the direction of the gyms. This time, it wasn’t all fake. 

“Are you 100% sure, because I already told Coach you’re sick and he said it’s fine so-” Sugawara’s concern was starting to get on Y/N’s nerves.

“Stop fussing and let’s go,” Y/N said, continuing to turn Bokuto and Kuroo around to push them forward. They could still tell Y/N needed sleep, whether she knew it or not and they knew some of her feelings about her brother were still being pushed away by the stubborn girl. But they could also tell that their company they had given her lifted her spirits tremendously. And for that they took what they could get. The short walk was filled with silence, mainly because Y/N was trying to fill her social battery as quickly as she could. She decided that although trying to rest would be nice, she didn’t want to be alone today and also didn’t want to make her friends worry and wait for her like a baby. The group had walked in during the Karasuno team warm-ups. 

“Y/N!” The boys echoed, running up to finally see their manager again. Tanaka and Noya even gave her a little-too-tight squeeze. She tried to hide her discomfort by quickly patting their backs.

“Is everything okay? Why did you leave earlier? Coach said you were sick and I was really worried,” Hinata loudly exclaimed. 

_ This is gonna be a lot harder than I anticipated, _ Y/N thought to herself. With a sigh, she flashed her usual smile back at the boys, dismissing the tiredness that was fighting for her attention. “Thanks guys, and yeah I wasn’t feeling too well earlier. But I’m okay now!” Suga, Kuroo, Bokuto, Akaashi, and even Kenma stared at their friend, realizing how easy it was for her to lie. And how they had also once been tricked by them too at first. “Sorry for making you guys worry.” Y/N quickly turned back to her closer friends that had helped her out in more ways than one today. Though the smile she gave them was smaller, the boys could tell from the emotion behind her eyes that it was 100% real. “Thanks,” she whispered. They nodded and headed off to their own teams that were also warming up. Y/N had an idea of how to thank them. She faced the team again, scanning their faces. Even Tsukishima had a relieved look on his face no matter how hard he tried to conceal it. Y/N picked up on it with her keen eyes, reaching up to lightly ruffle the stoic middle’s blond hair. “Aw, Tsukishima did you worry? I’m all good now,” Y/N teased to lighten the mood. Her plan worked for the team but for Tsukishima, not so much.

“Tch. I did not, for your information. Stop that,” he snarkily responded, slapping away her hand. But looking at Yamaguchi’s nervous smile, Y/N could tell that the tall boy was lying. 

“It’s great that you’re back again, Y/N. Still try to take it easy, though,” Coach Ukai interrupted, reminding the team that they did in fact still have a game to play. Y/N quickly nodded and went to the sidelines with Kiyoko to get back to her manager duties. 

“Sorry about earlier, I’ll explain later when we have time,” Y/N said quietly to Kiyoko and Yachi who had just gotten back from filling up the water bottles. 

“No need to apologize, Y/N,” Kiyoko responded with a reassuring smile. She quickly squeezed Y/N’s hand to remind her that she would be there to listen. Y/N swiftly blinked away the tears that threatened to surface and got out the stats sheet for the game. 

~ Small time skip ~

Karasuno had lost the rest of the practice matches for the day. Y/N couldn’t help but feel like part of it was her fault, even though Kiyoko assured and reminded her that they hadn’t won a single match since the start of the camp. Now that Y/N was able to clearly watch her team, she realized how much they had changed compared to even the first day, and had a good feeling that all the new things they were practicing would come together. Dusk was starting to turn the sky various shades of pink and purple and Y/N took a moment to gather her thoughts. Even for the few hours she was back managing the team, it quickly ate up the energy she had fueled up on from earlier and putting up a smile was a lot harder than normal. Looking up at the sky, Y/N took deep breaths and sighed. She was grateful for the distraction but more so than that, it finally sunk in how thankful she was for her friends that were there for her today and that they gave her time to think and breathe on this tough day.

“Wanna help out with some extra practice?” Y/N jumped at the sound of Bokuto’s startlingly loud voice from behind her. Her back was to the gym as she waited for the Karasuno boys to finish their last penalty of the day and had her time to think. Turning, she found Kuroo already by Bokuto’s side.

“No you moron, why would you even ask that,” Kuroo jabbed at his owl-like friend. 

“No, actually, I’m down. I feel bad for making you guys worry and miss practice because of me so it’s the least I can do.” It wasn’t a lie since Y/N actually did want to play some volleyball even if she was ‘a little’ tired. It would help clear her mind some more.

“It’s the most you can do, believe it or not. And stop apologizing for everything,” Suga fussed from behind her. Turning again, she laughed it off. 

“I  _ told you, _ I’m fine,” Y/N said with a small attitude. Leaning over Sugawara’s shoulder, she directed her attention to the boys who were panting and recovering from their sprints. “By the way, guys, dinner’s ready in the cafeteria whenever you’re ready.” All the boys eagerly nodded. Heading past the rooster-haired middle blocker and owl-like ace, she picked up her water bottle and started towards gym 3. “You coming?”


	23. The End of the Day

Get enough run-up distance. Left, right left. Push off that last step with the balls of your feet. As Y/N sprung up, she slammed the ball down just barely past Kuroo’s wide block. She had been hearing more of her brother’s voice today as she practiced and it started blending in with Bokuto’s eerily similar voice. The only way she could distinguish the two was because she only heard B/N’s voice repeating the same steps to her from when he first taught her the basics of volleyball. Still, it made Y/N feel a little on edge.   
“Nice set, Akaashi,” Y/N said briefly before returning back to behind the end line. The setter quietly nodded. Bokuto, Kuroo, Akaashi, and Y/N had been practicing for the past 30 minutes, each taking turns hitting while the other two blocked and Akaashi stayed setting. It felt good to Y/N, getting tired and being able to take out her frustration on the ball. “Again.”   
After a few more hits from Y/N, a knock interrupted their extra practice. Panting, their attention was called to the door, where a tall, blond haired boy stood. “Do you mind if I join your practice?” Tsukishima asked bluntly. Before any of them could respond, Hinata and Lev came running in.   
“Us too!” Looking around, there were 7 of them. One too many for a 3v3.   
“You guys can play a 3 on 3 match and I can practice by myself in the next gym,” Y/N offered with a smile. She still wanted to practice volleyball but figured it would be smarter for the boys to play against each other since they’d be actually versing each other in real games. She went to grab her water bottle to bring with her to the next gym over.  
“Wait,” Bokuto blurted, grabbing Y/N’s arm. She turned and looked up at the golden-eyed boy. She tried to ignore her aching heart. He quickly dropped her arm. “Are you sure you can’t play?” Looking past the bulky ace’s pouty face, she saw that the other boys shared the same sentiments for wanting her to play with them. Laughing, she shrugged it off.   
“Fine, but only for a little,” Y/N gave in, chuckling. “We can switch out every few points.”

~ Timeskip ~

Y/N laughed as Bokuto and Hinata plopped their heads into their folded arms on the table and shared a groan. Everyone was full from dinner but it seemed like those two ate a little too much a little too quickly.   
“I told you to slow down,” Y/N teased. They were cut off from their 3 on 3 match by the other managers coming to tell them that the cafeteria was closing soon and there wouldn’t be any dinner left. Their excitement got the best out of all of them, causing them to overestimate their stomach’s capacities. “Give me your plates.” Y/N offered her hand out to Kuroo, Akaashi, Lev, Tsukishima, and the two almost-passed-out boys, motioning for them to give her their dinner trays to bring to the kitchen.   
“Thanks,” the boys echoed, doing their best to clean up their own little messes as well.   
“No worries. You guys head out, I’ll see you tomorrow, ‘kay?” Y/N called from near the kitchen entrance. The boys nodded and waved, saying goodbye for the night. Y/N quickly gave the stacked plates to Eri who was on kitchen duty for that night with a brief thanks. She hurriedly left the cafeteria to find Kiyoko and Yachi, who she owed an apology and explanation to. Y/N found them getting ready for bed and fortunately, she caught them when the other girls were in the showers. “Hey, um, can I talk to you guys?” Y/N carefully asked, building up as much courage as she could to finally tell them her story.  
“Yes, of course,” Kiyoko responded, sitting on her futon and motioning Yachi to do the same. Following their lead, Y/N sat down on the wooden floor with a sigh.   
“Again, I’m really sorry about earlier. And I owed you guys an apology all day, so,” Y/N took a deep breath. “Here it is.”

~ Brief time skip ~

“Yachi, I told you, it’s okay, really. I’m okay now,” Y/N chuckled softly, patting her blonde-haired friend’s back. Yachi couldn’t hide her emotion as well as Kiyoko did and started crying halfway through Y/N’s story and even Kiyoko’s eyes were lined with silver by the end. “I’m sorry I never told you guys. It’s just-it’s just that until this training camp I’ve always tried to push it away. I guess I still do in a way,” Y/N contemplated. Y/N was actually surprised at herself for keeping it together while she told her friends what happened with her brother a year ago but figured that trying to take care of someone who was crying harder than you distracted you from feeling sad yourself.  
“But you told us, and we’re thankful that you did. Just know that we’re always here for you,” Kiyoko responded on behalf of both her and Yachi. Y/N nodded her response with a tight-lipped smile, trying to let it sink in that so many people knew her secret at this point.   
“I guess we should head to bed now, then,” Y/N lied, pushing herself up with her hands. There were too many vulnerable moments that day and Y/N honestly didn’t want to have to see her friends’ pity anymore. She really meant that they should head to bed, since she knew she didn’t plan on sleeping that night. Though Y/N wanted to since she was exhausted from practice, she laughed at herself for even thinking that she would be able to sleep that night and she knew she couldn’t ask one of her friends to stay with her in the girl’s room so she could sleep. At that point, she didn’t even bother trying. So Y/N pretended to get ready for bed with Yachi and Kiyoko and once she made sure they were asleep, she snuck out into the cool, moonlit summer night of her brother’s death anniversary.


	24. More Than Okay

(Skipping the entire morning part of the last day since it’s already in the anime)

“WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL US THERE WAS GOING TO BE A BARBECUE Y/N?” Tanaka exclaimed. His loud voice snapped Y/N back to reality. 

_ Maybe not getting any rest last night  _ wasn’t  _ a good idea.  _ Her moment of drowsiness didn’t go unnoticed by Suga who squinted his eyes accusingly at the girl. Choosing to ignore it, Y/N turned back to her loud teammates, laughing. Though yesterday was tough, Y/N was evidently feeling better to which all the other boys noticed and smiled at.

“I thought you guys already knew,” Y/N replied honestly with a shrug. “But now that our match against Fukurodani is done, let’s actually head out.” Y/N started pushing her friends and teammates towards the door that was already wafting in the faint smell of meat. While going over their last game in her head, Y/N couldn’t help but smile for two reasons. 1, she was so proud of her team for evolving and finally clicking their individual gears together. It was evident they were a whole new team now than they were before. 2, even Bokuto had his own “emo-mode” (as Akaashi called it) just like B/N. Y/N still couldn’t get over the fact that they were so similar in so many ways. 

She got pulled back from her thoughts by a firm grip on her wrist and looked up to find Suga standing there with an accusing look. “You didn’t sleep last night, did you.” It was more of a claim than a question and Y/N pulled her wrist back, sighing at his fussing.

“So what if I didn’t, huh?” Y/N didn’t care to lie since she knew Suga already knew the truth. But before Sugawara could emit another sound from his mouth, Y/N cut him off with one hand that he knew meant “Just stop” while she reached down into her bag to pull something out. Furrowing his brows, it took him a moment to register what the small bag Y/N had given him was. 

“Cookies?” Suga asked, obviously confused. “Thank you,” he read out loud, inspecting the writing on the small desserts. “Did you make these?”

“No, I bought them from Coach Nekomata for 20 bucks,” Y/N replied sarcastically. “Of course I made them. I didn’t want to sleep last night so I figured I could use my time wisely to thank you. Not just for yesterday, but you know. For everything.” Y/N gave Suga a genuine smile that he couldn’t help but reciprocate. He didn’t know what to say since he was on one hand mad that she hadn’t taken care of herself and was probably exhausted while on the other, a little shy at the fact that she had done something like that for him. 

“But how did you-”

“I just snuck back into the kitchen last night and made them. They didn’t take long and I cleaned up anyway,” Y/N responded, answering his question before he could finish asking it. Suga still looked puzzled. “I got really into baking to distract myself after you know, everything.”

“Oh,” he nodded. Sugawara didn’t question how she knew what he was thinking again and just went with it. “Thank you, though. I’ll be sure to enjoy them.” He looked down again at the homemade cookies as Y/N gave him a thumbs up. 

“Let’s go back to everyone else,” she motioned to the third-year setter. He followed. Going outside, the smell of meat hit them like a truck and their mouths started watering. Turning to each other, they shared the same silent look and grin. 

_ Yum. _

They headed off to find Akaashi and Kenma who were standing off to the side, watching Kuroo beat Bokuto up for stealing some of his meat. Laughing, she smacked them both lightly on the backs of their heads, demanding their attention. 

“Listen, you guys. I just wanted to say thank you again for everything yesterday. I really don’t know what would’ve happened if you guys weren’t there for me and I know I can be really stubborn with this sort of opening up thing so I decided to save the bad sappy speech and instead, here.” All the boys curiously looked to see what Y/N was rummaging for in her bag and she earned a few excited gasps as she gave them each their own bags of cookies. “They’re homemade and I figured this was just an easier way to show my appreciation,” Y/N said with a laugh. 

“LOOK AKAASHI THEY HAVE WORDS ON THEM!” Bokuto exclaimed to the emerald-eyed boy as if he didn’t have his own bag. 

“Yes I see that, Bokuto.”

“You made these from scratch?” Kenma quietly asked, inspecting the perfectly crafted baked goods. Y/N nodded. 

“You’re still full of surprises, aren’t you, Y/N,” Kuroo said, nudging her shoulder with a sly smile.

“Is that a question or a statement?” she asked back with a matching grin. “But don’t spoil your appetite with them. Eat as much barbecue as you can first.” 

“Right,” the boys responded in unison. After some more cooking and laughter, Y/N looked around to all of her friends. She could envision B/N standing alongside them, laughing with them about everything and nothing. She paused before eating and silently looked up to the bright blue summer sky, squinting at the bright glare from the sun. 

“I wish you were here,” Y/N quietly whispered to her brother. If he was out there listening to her, she didn’t know for certain. But if there was even the slightest chance that he was, she took it. Y/N knew she wasn’t crazy but could’ve sworn she felt a warm breeze answer in response. After another moment of staring at the sky, she came to accept the fact that the pain wouldn’t go away completely. But looking back down at her friends, she also saw a bigger family around her that would help her through it. Y/N couldn’t stop a huge smile from breaking out on her face as realized that she wanted this warm feeling in her heart to stay forever. 

_ It’s gonna be okay,  _ Y/N thought to herself.  _ More than okay. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this piece! I know the ending was sort of rushed but I didn't want to drag it out too long because in all honesty, I was starting to feel over it and just wanted to finish it. I know this story ended on a happy note, but I will be continuing to write more angsty pieces that don't always end positively so if you're interested in that stay tuned! Thank youuu ;)


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